Email list
11 Points
11 Points Guide To Hooking Up
11 Amazing Antiquated Sexual Terms That Need To Be Brought Back
written by Sam Greenspan

There's something that I just love about antiquated English. As the dictionary adds words like "defriending" and "muggle," I like to think about the words they take out. And pepper those into conversation whenever I can.

This goes doubly when discussing sex. It stands to reason -- people have been talking about sex since they figured out how to do it... and, because of the eternal taboo surrounding it, they've created millions of euphemisms and alternative words.

I dug through some old dictionaries to find these out-of-date sexual terms, all of which would really be great in the modern vernacular. For times when saying "buggery" and "slattern" isn't dated enough, these terms come into play. Enjoy, fornicators.

  1. St. George slays the dragon.
    St. George and the dragon - sex with the woman on top of the man - This term is based off the Christian story about St. George visiting a pagan town, taming the dragon that was terrorizing them, and then offering to kill the dragon if everyone in the town converted to Christianity. You know, par for the course.

    Anyway, this has been depicted repeatedly in fine art (this painting by Gustave Moreau, to the right, is one major example) -- and it always looks like St. George and his horse are mounting the dragon. And there's stabbing involved. Through that iconography, this evolved into a euphemism for female-on-male sex. (Which is ironic, since St. George killing the dragon and then converting the town was clearly missionary work.)

  2. houghmagandy - sexual intercourse, generally adulterous in nature - I like this one for times when words like intercourse and coitus feel too common. It also has a wonderful, comedy-friendly pronunciation -- HOCH-muh-gan-dee -- with the first syllable like you're clearing your throat and/or doing a derivative impression of a Middle Easterner.

  3. cottager - one who solicits sex in a public toilet - Part of the age-old question: What came first, the cottager or the glory hole? If not for the cottager, there would be no need for the glory hole... but if not for the glory hole, would one even endeavor to be a cottager? It's these questions and more I'm going to answer if philosophy ever becomes a viable career again.

  4. lechercraft - an act of promiscuity; modern: a one-night stand - I chose this because it felt like a mash-up of lechers and hovercrafts, and that paints such a vivid picture in my head. A group of perverts riding down a river on a hovercraft. It's similar to that painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, just with more wispy mustaches and sleeveless t-shirts.

  5. Coffee houses are brothels in the future, too.
    make a coffee house of a woman's c*** - withdrawing from sex before ejaculation - This is a Shakespearean-era term. "Coffee house" is a term for a brothel; and when you pull out, you've treated the beautiful act of making love to your woman the same way you'd handle a lady of a coffee house. (A barista, perhaps?) Anyway, all I could think of was "Idiocracy" (pictured to the right...)

  6. warming pan - a mistress - The real definition of a warming pan is a pan that was used to heat the bedsheets. This alternate definition is a mid-1600s term for a female involved in an adulterous relationship and, somehow, is an evocative, unmatched mix of hilarious, offensive, misogynistic and graphic. Comparing a woman to a warm household appliances will do that.

  7. detumescence - the state of a non-erect penis - It's such an elegant term for being flaccid. And, fittingly, it sounds like one of the acts in a Greek tragedy.

  8. Ain't no place more romantic than an outhouse.
    slam like a dunny door in a gale - a quick sexual encounter - To translate from folksy colloquial to English, a dunny door is an outhouse door... and when there's wind, it slams open and shut, back and forth, quickly. This is a term that would be used if Dan Rather or Keith Jackson were doing commentary on your sexual relations, and would definitely be peppered with some Whoa Nellys and some Hold the Phones.

  9. algolagnia - a sexual tendency where one derives sexual pleasure and stimulation from physical pain - This is a very ornate way of talking about sadomasochism. You can tell it's ornate because the official pronunciation is /ælgə lægniə/ -- and anything with that many diphthongs and schwas is clearly putting on airs.

  10. tribadism - non-penetrative sex between two women - We modern brutes prefer "scissoring." "South Park" gets at least 98 percent of the blame for that. I know I can't even say the word "scissors" when referring to actual, metal, paper-cutting scissors without slipping into a Mr. Garrison voice.

  11. grass sandwich - sex outdoors - If only they'd kept going and created "sandwich" descriptions of all the different places to have sex. Sex in a bed could be a sheet sandwich, sex in the kitchen could be a Formica sandwich, sex in the backseat could be a vinyl sandwich or leather sandwich (depending on the options package), and sex on the beach could be a sand2wich.

    Yup, 60 words, all as a setup to an exponent joke.

This list was originally published on Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.
It currently has View Comments.

11 New, Original Sexual Sniglets (Words That Don't Exist, But Should)

11 Fantastic Sex and Love Idioms From Foreign Languages

11 Amazing, Amusing and Ambitious Ambigrams

11 Days When Americans Watch the Most Pornography

11 Things You'd Actually See In the Women's Locker Room If You Were Invisible

Archive of all Dating & Sex lists

Highest-Grossing Actors Ever (Almost All Of Whom are Shockers)
11 Highest-Grossing Actors Ever (Almost All Of Whom are Shockers)
Published Friday, December 19, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
Odd Words Shakespeare Invented That Never Caught On
11 Odd Words Shakespeare Invented That Never Caught On
Published Tuesday, December 16, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Books
Sports Photos That Look Sexual But (Probably) Aren't
11 Sports Photos That Look Sexual But (Probably) Aren't
Published Thursday, December 11, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
Strangest Phobias People Really Have - 11 Points Countdown
11 Strangest Phobias People Really Have - 11 Points Countdown
Published Monday, December 8, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Countdown
Legendary Christmas Songs Written by Jews
11 Legendary Christmas Songs Written by Jews
Published Friday, December 5, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
Best Porn Parody Titles of 2014
11 Best Porn Parody Titles of 2014
Published Wednesday, December 3, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex
Full Archive

Mailing list

Movies lists
Books lists
Sports lists
Countdown lists
Music lists
Dating & Sex lists
Food & Drink lists
Misc lists
Web & Tech lists
Travel lists
Games lists
News & Politics lists
Personal lists
TV lists
Interviews lists
Full archive

11 Points

Mailing list