11 Amazing Antiquated Sexual Terms That Need To Be Brought Back
Published Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM
There's something that I just love about antiquated English. As the dictionary adds words like "defriending" and "muggle," I like to think about the words they take out. And pepper those into conversation whenever I can.
This goes doubly when discussing sex. It stands to reason -- people have been talking about sex since they figured out how to do it... and, because of the eternal taboo surrounding it, they've created millions of euphemisms and alternative words.
I dug through some old dictionaries to find these out-of-date sexual terms, all of which would really be great in the modern vernacular. For times when saying "buggery" and "slattern" isn't dated enough, these terms come into play. Enjoy, fornicators.
This list was published on Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.
It currently has View Comments.
Published Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM
There's something that I just love about antiquated English. As the dictionary adds words like "defriending" and "muggle," I like to think about the words they take out. And pepper those into conversation whenever I can.
This goes doubly when discussing sex. It stands to reason -- people have been talking about sex since they figured out how to do it... and, because of the eternal taboo surrounding it, they've created millions of euphemisms and alternative words.
I dug through some old dictionaries to find these out-of-date sexual terms, all of which would really be great in the modern vernacular. For times when saying "buggery" and "slattern" isn't dated enough, these terms come into play. Enjoy, fornicators.
St. George and the dragon - sex with the woman on top of the man - This term is based off the Christian story about St. George visiting a pagan town, taming the dragon that was terrorizing them, and then offering to kill the dragon if everyone in the town converted to Christianity. You know, par for the course.
St. George slays the dragon.
Anyway, this has been depicted repeatedly in fine art (this painting by Gustave Moreau, to the right, is one major example) -- and it always looks like St. George and his horse are mounting the dragon. And there's stabbing involved. Through that iconography, this evolved into a euphemism for female-on-male sex. (Which is ironic, since St. George killing the dragon and then converting the town was clearly missionary work.)- houghmagandy - sexual intercourse, generally adulterous in nature - I like this one for times when words like intercourse and coitus feel too common. It also has a wonderful, comedy-friendly pronunciation -- HOCH-muh-gan-dee -- with the first syllable like you're clearing your throat and/or doing a derivative impression of a Middle Easterner.
- cottager - one who solicits sex in a public toilet - Part of the age-old question: What came first, the cottager or the glory hole? If not for the cottager, there would be no need for the glory hole... but if not for the glory hole, would one even endeavor to be a cottager? It's these questions and more I'm going to answer if philosophy ever becomes a viable career again.
- lechercraft - an act of promiscuity; modern: a one-night stand - I chose this because it felt like a mash-up of lechers and hovercrafts, and that paints such a vivid picture in my head. A group of perverts riding down a river on a hovercraft. It's similar to that painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, just with more wispy mustaches and sleeveless t-shirts.
make a coffee house of a woman's c*** - withdrawing from sex before ejaculation - This is a Shakespearean-era term. "Coffee house" is a term for a brothel; and when you pull out, you've treated the beautiful act of making love to your woman the same way you'd handle a lady of a coffee house. (A barista, perhaps?) Anyway, all I could think of was "Idiocracy" (pictured to the right...)
Coffee houses are brothels in the future, too.- warming pan - a mistress - The real definition of a warming pan is a pan that was used to heat the bedsheets. This alternate definition is a mid-1600s term for a female involved in an adulterous relationship and, somehow, is an evocative, unmatched mix of hilarious, offensive, misogynistic and graphic. Comparing a woman to a warm household appliances will do that.
- detumescence - the state of a non-erect penis - It's such an elegant term for being flaccid. And, fittingly, it sounds like one of the acts in a Greek tragedy.
slam like a dunny door in a gale - a quick sexual encounter - To translate from folksy colloquial to English, a dunny door is an outhouse door... and when there's wind, it slams open and shut, back and forth, quickly. This is a term that would be used if Dan Rather or Keith Jackson were doing commentary on your sexual relations, and would definitely be peppered with some Whoa Nellys and some Hold the Phones.
Ain't no place more romantic than an outhouse.- algolagnia - a sexual tendency where one derives sexual pleasure and stimulation from physical pain - This is a very ornate way of talking about sadomasochism. You can tell it's ornate because the official pronunciation is /ælgə lægniə/ -- and anything with that many diphthongs and schwas is clearly putting on airs.
- tribadism - non-penetrative sex between two women - We modern brutes prefer "scissoring." "South Park" gets at least 98 percent of the blame for that. I know I can't even say the word "scissors" when referring to actual, metal, paper-cutting scissors without slipping into a Mr. Garrison voice.
- grass sandwich - sex outdoors - If only they'd kept going and created "sandwich" descriptions of all the different places to have sex. Sex in a bed could be a sheet sandwich, sex in the kitchen could be a Formica sandwich, sex in the backseat could be a vinyl sandwich or leather sandwich (depending on the options package), and sex on the beach could be a sand2wich.
Yup, 60 words, all as a setup to an exponent joke.
This list was published on Monday, January 10, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.
It currently has View Comments.
Did you enjoy this list?
11 Points is a one-man operation that relies on word-of-mouth & repeat readers.
So please consider sharing this list using the social media icons in the box, and/or joining the 11 Points mailing list, Facebook fan page and Twitter feed.
11 Points is a one-man operation that relies on word-of-mouth & repeat readers.
So please consider sharing this list using the social media icons in the box, and/or joining the 11 Points mailing list, Facebook fan page and Twitter feed.
11 Famous Bands Who Used to Have Very Different Names
Published Wednesday, May 16, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
11 Worst Fast Food Restaurants - 11 Points Countdown
Published Monday, May 14, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Countdown
11 Really Old Actors Who Played Teenagers on TV
Published Friday, May 11, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category TV
11 Best Cheap Ways to Get Drunk - 11 Points Countdown
Published Wednesday, May 9, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Countdown
11 Random Thoughts on The Avengers
Published Monday, May 7, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
11 Most Depressing Place Names In the US
Published Friday, May 4, 2012 at 10:00:00 AM under the category Travel
Full Archive
Published Wednesday, May 16, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
11 Worst Fast Food Restaurants - 11 Points Countdown
Published Monday, May 14, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Countdown
11 Really Old Actors Who Played Teenagers on TV
Published Friday, May 11, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category TV
11 Best Cheap Ways to Get Drunk - 11 Points Countdown
Published Wednesday, May 9, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Countdown
11 Random Thoughts on The Avengers
Published Monday, May 7, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
11 Most Depressing Place Names In the US
Published Friday, May 4, 2012 at 10:00:00 AM under the category Travel
Full Archive
11 Points is comprised entirely of (theoretically) humorous 11-item lists covering a giant swath of topics.
It's composed entirely by this stern-
faced goon to the right. His name
is Sam. Screw Flanders.
It's composed entirely by this stern-
faced goon to the right. His name
is Sam. Screw Flanders.
11 Points Mailing List
updates, contests, exclusives
updates, contests, exclusives
(advertisement)
Friends, Bloggers and Well-Wishers
(Meaning they wish me no specific harm.)
(advertisement)
(Meaning they wish me no specific harm.)
(advertisement)
11 Points is a collection of exhaustively-researched, meticulously-written, theoretically-humorous 11-item lists, covering topics ranging from TV and movies to the Internet and video games to food and dating to politics and race relations.
It's all written by Sam Greenspan, a Midwest-born, classically-trained journalist who now tries to make a dollar out of 15 cents in Los Angeles. (It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent.)
Read more about 11 Points and Sam here.
For information about reprinting 11 Points content, or for quotes/interviews for your newspaper, magazine, website, TV program, or radio show, contact Sam via e-mail at
It's all written by Sam Greenspan, a Midwest-born, classically-trained journalist who now tries to make a dollar out of 15 cents in Los Angeles. (It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent.)
Read more about 11 Points and Sam here.
For information about reprinting 11 Points content, or for quotes/interviews for your newspaper, magazine, website, TV program, or radio show, contact Sam via e-mail at
