A cross-cultural study recently dug deep into erogenous zones -- which they defined as any body part with "paradoxical response properties, producing erotic feelings from body surfaces distant from the genitalia." And they concluded the top erogenous zones for men and women were... the genitalia. I think they forgot their mission statement somewhere along the way.
So I flipped their data around to figure out the parts of the body that elicit the LEAST erotic response. Of the 44 body parts tested, these are the 11 that turn on the fewest men and women.
Here are the 11 body parts that do the worst job of turning the average person on. Focus your stimulation efforts elsewhere and seek the fleshy middle of ye olde bell curve.
Eyes and temples - I'm not sure why they chose to group eyes and temples, but I will say this -- licking someone directly on the eyeball is about as un-erotic as it gets. It sure does sound like one of those "fads" that make the local news and sends parents into a brief, minor panic, though.
Forearms - The only time touching a forearm is a turn-on is when you're in a relationship that's so new you haven't touched any other body part. (Or if you're dating Popeye. Ahem. BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS.) The, "Oh my God, he/she's touching my arm" feeling is fantastic... and vanishes almost immediately.
Toes - Now this is an interesting one. It's the only one on this list that actually has a reputation of being a erogenous zone; you never hear someone saying, "Man, I get so turned on when someone gently strokes my calves." I think toes ended up so low because even though some people really like it, most people REALLY don't want you to gnaw and slobber on their toes. So before you start working the feet maybe -- please forgive this -- dip a toe in the water to see if the other person wants you do.
This MAY be a doctor examining a patient, but it was close to an eyelid kiss.
Forehead - Kissing someone on the forehead is very grandparently. And anything that leads to the organic creation of the word "grandparently" is mutually exclusive with eroticism.
Calves - Someone reading this is thinking, "Man, I get so turned on when someone gently strokes my calves." Now if only they'd say it out loud where I could hear them.
Chin - The chin is fairly rugged and not really sensitive -- unless you're Glass Joe -- so it stands to reason it's not a particularly sexy zone. The list didn't include "double chin," but I think it's safe to assume each subsequent chin is less erogenous than the chin before it.
Ankles - This is one of those that would be too confusing to feel good. Or bad. Or anything. Like, you couldn't get your mind to stop saying, "Wait... why are my ankles being kissed right now?" long enough to know if you even enjoy the feeling of your ankles being kissed. (You do not.)
Knee caps - When seeking a potential erogenous zone, vulnerability is one of the most important elements. The knee cap is one of the few pieces of actual armor we have built into our bodies. No one ever got anywhere from kissing armor.
Nose - The nose gets the award for the least erogenous zone on the face -- again, even worse than having someone tickle your chin, kiss your forehead or lick your eyeball. But if you really want your nose licked, just jam it in front of a dog. It's like a salt-flavored popsicle to them.
Shins - Got it. Nothing's a turn-on from the tibia on down. And on a double entendre note, this is also good advice NOT to play the Garden State soundtrack to try to get someone in the mood.
Elbows - Known exception: Marge Simpson.
This post was originally published on Tuesday, November 5, 2013 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.