Warning: This post is unapologetically and sometimes graphically sexual. So be ready for that.
Anyone remember Sniglets? They were huge like 15 or 20 years ago.
For those unfamiliar, the slogan for Sniglets was "words that don't exist, but should." Examples are words the creators made up like furnidents, which are the indentations left in carpet after moving heavy furniture; or timefoolery, which is setting your alarm clock ahead of the real time to fool yourself into thinking you aren't getting up so early.
So those are a little corny... most Sniglets are. Which is why, during a Sniglet tangent over the past few hours, I decided to take Sniglets into the red light district. Along with a panel of friends, we crafted 11 brand new, original sexy Sniglets.
Time to increase the nation's sexual lexicon. (Or, if I was to make a Sniglet for that, sexicon.)
"Yup, stole this from my roommate and carried it all the way back with my teeth. Now let's have this quasi-interracial sex we've both been angling for."
rubber bandit(rub-ber ban-diht) verb definition: After running out of condoms, having to steal one from your unsuspecting roommate (or sexually-precocious teenage child). example: "Chip got me in so much trouble -- last week, he rubber bandited me, and my girlfriend keeps a count on my condoms... so when she realized one was missing, she freaked out. I can't believe she went crazy like that. It's so unlike a woman."
peelemma(pee-leh-muh) noun definition: The post-coitus decision every woman faces: Run to the bathroom and pee, or take advantage of the guaranteed spooning time. example: "Ooh, girl, I had such a peelemma last night, I mean, Lamar never wants to cuddle with me except after sex, but you know I've been getting mad urinary tract infections lately."
under durexs(uhn-durr durr-exx) noun definition: The panicky time between getting an erection and successfully putting on the condom. example: "There's nothing worse than being under durexs and failing... because once that erection's gone it's not coming back. Like the print media." synonym: condown
morning after thrill(mohr-ning ahf-tur thrill) verb definition: After a condom breaks, realizing the next morning that you're going to have to get the morning after pill anyway... so having some nice, unprotected bonus sex. example: "After the condom mysteriously vanished, I knew we were headed to CVS in the morning to get Plan B... so we decided to knock it out one more time since it didn't matter at that point!"
moisturescheiße(moiss-tuhr-shy-zuh) verb definition: Trying to use only natural juices to have anal sex. example: "We didn't have any lube and we thought margarine might cause some weird infection situation or something, so we had to rely on moisturescheiße to make it happen. And that's why I'm calling you from the ER." alternative spelling: moisturescheisse
You're horny. Let's do this. Ride it.
Ginuwindup(ghen-you-wine-dupp) verb definition: Putting "Pony" by Ginuwine at the beginning of your hook-up playlist. example: "Hell yeah I use the Ginuwindup! Follow that with a little Marvin Gaye and some Luther Vandross, maybe Boyz II Men, and it never fails."
inadeqwhite(in-aeh-duh-quite) noun definition: The feeling you get when you find out that the last guy your girlfriend dated before you was black. example: "I've never been insecure about my size, but finding out that Karen dated Lamar before me... damn that made me feel inadeqwhite. Oh well... at least I'm always up for cuddling, unlike him."
bucocky(boo-kok-key) verb definition: Pulling out to finish, only realizing you pulled out too soon and now, because of your hubris, you have to finish yourself off manually. example: "I was trying to be responsible and follow my birth control plan of pulling out, but I bucockied, and ended up looking like an idiot."
Love you Orel! I'll never forget what you did for the Indians in the '95 ALCS. Sorry to bastardize your name, but I thought it was the crown jewel of my entire list.
Oral Hershiser(oar-yul hursh-hii-suhr) verb definition: Thinking about baseball to prolong fellatio. example: "This feels so good, I'm gonna Oral Hershiser to make sure it lasts for a LONG time. And yes, I'll pay for your chiropractor bill."
pregnadox(preg-nuh-docks) noun definition: The principle that couples trying to conceive have to work their asses off while two random strangers who get hammered at a bar and have a one-night stand using 12 condoms and the Pill always find a way to make a baby. example: "I hate the pregnadox... we had to take out a fifteenth mortgage on our house (thanks, banks!) to pay for fertility treatments... meanwhile Shawn Kemp is still out there impregnating women by just looking at them."
doogie style(doo-gee stile) verb definition: Having sexual relations in the "man behind" position, so both partners can watch television. example: "We didn't want to miss the Leno interview with Barack Obama... but we gots to get ours too, ya know... so we did it doogie style and everyone was happy!"
If you enjoyed this... and I hope you did... feel free to drop suggestions to my email (listed to the right), at the 11points.com Facebook fan page, or to me on Twitter. Because I have a feeling I'm going to do a second edition of these very soon.
This post was originally published on Friday, March 27, 2009 at 12:01:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.