Much like Krusty's viewers getting to see the exact moment when Lisa rips Ralph's heart in half, so too can we occasionally rubberneck at the relationship breakdowns of others. Or something like that.
I've gathered 11 different photos, news clippings and screen captures, all of which seem to show a couple dissolving right before our eyes. So put aside your karmic inclinations and bask in romantic schandefreude. After all, the rest of the world is getting their schandefreude on with Americans right now, might as well get a quick taste in ourselves.
I know grown men aren't supposed to bring a glove to a game -- but it seems better than the above alternative. The picture is from April of 2013, when a guy at a Cardinals-Diamondbacks game jumped out of the way of a home run ball -- allowing it to hit his girlfriend directly in the face. There's no coming back from that.
Divorce via Shell marquee.
It takes some real gumption to get divorced when gas prices are that high. You basically need two household incomes to afford it. Unprecedented gumption.
The bathroom proposal.
Surprise proposal? Romantic. Surprise proposal in the bathroom? Less romantic. Surprise proposal in the bathroom where one of the stalls has "The Dumper" written on it? Less romantic still. Surprise proposal in the bathroom where one of the stalls has "The Dumper" written on it and is, in fact, being used at that exact moment for that exact purpose? I don't think these crazy kids are gonna make it.
Cake in the face goes wrong.
It's amazing that the whole "shove cake in your new spouse's face" tradition doesn't lead to moments like the above photo more: All-out frosted warfare.
You know the impending divorce is an integral part of the incident when it makes the police blotter.
That's cold, Delandreh (sp?).
This kid really took his girlfriend on an emotional roller coaster here. Good to see he's already working on break-up-softening alternatives to "it's not you, it's me." It's best to start brainstorming those as early as possible.
Every newly married person has to come to terms with splitting everything 50-50. This bride, it seems, was not in the mood to start going splitsies on her champagne quite yet.
Separate agendas, disastrous results.
So Timothy wanted sex, but Tami wanted sardines -- and neither was willing to grant the other's request. A couple can bounce back from that -- but once it escalates, the cops come, and the story makes the local paper, the bell can't be un-rung.
My god, it's glorious to imagine what happened in the four minutes in between post one and post two.
Wife Stabs Husband With Squirrel.
Stabs? Was it taxidermied?
The Taco Bell proposal.
I'm not saying that wrapping an engagement ring around a packet of Taco Bell mild sauce is the worst way to propose -- but it's like five steps below popping the question on the Jumbotron. At a Minor League Baseball game. With the mascot standing right behind you. (That being said, I'm pretty sure if I'd incorporated Taco Bell into my proposal, my now-wife would've said an even more enthusiastic "yes." I did it in a gazebo, like some kind of amateur Colin Firth. Should've gone chalupa.)
This post was originally published on Thursday, January 19, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.