11 Points

11 Stops on a Sexual Tour Around the United States
written by Sam Greenspan

This breaks from my usual format but, hey, when inspiration calls you've got to accept the charges. Enjoy this sexual tour of the United States, in the logical order of how the tour should go.

  1. I put all these spots on a Google Map. Here's what it looks like. You can see the larger version at Google. I accidentally made the map in my friend Molly's account because she forgot to sign out of my computer a few days ago. Hope she's OK with that.
    Rendezvous, Wyoming; Last Resort Creek, Colorado; or Hooker, Arkansas. You can start the tour in any of those three cities, in decreasing order of how well your night went.

  2. Kissimmee, Florida. A natural second stop. Warm, familiar.

  3. Boob Creek, Alaska. A slightly more adventurous third stop.

  4. Blastow Cove, Maine. Yep, I went there. Not in the literal sense -- I've never been here in real life -- but in the metaphorical "Don't GO there!" sense.

  5. Handy, Indiana. There are also cities named Handy in Georgia, Missouri and North Carolina, if those are more convenient.


  6. Big Bone Lick. If the sign wasn't so gigantic, I'm sure people would steal it daily.
    Big Bone Lick, Kentucky and Oral, Tennessee. These are pretty close to each other. I like that when I looked up Big Bone Lick it came up on Google as "Big Bone Lick, KY." I'm feeling awfully mature tonight, by the way.

  7. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin. This is a good stop. Don't feel guilty that it sounds like it's a nice Native American city.

  8. Intercourse, Pennsylvania. The inspiration for the whole list. And for an infinite number of jokes throughout history.

  9. Anal, Marshall Islands. The Marshall Islands, for those who don't know, are "a Democratic Presidential Republic in free association with the U.S." The U.S. invaded and occupied them during World War II. They're not under U.S. control anymore, but we test missiles from a base there and their currency is the U.S. dollar.

    I share all these facts to justify putting the only place in the world with the name "Anal" on a list about a sexual tour of the United States.

  10. Climax, North Carolina. Or everything can go wrong. If you're a guy, you can head to Blue Ball, Pennsylvania. If you're a lady, it could either be Faker, Texas, or you can tell the guy he belongs in Failetown, Alabama. And then, you both can head to Self, Arkansas.

  11. Bolt, Oregon. Because no one wants to end the tour in Snoring Bay, Washington.


This post was originally published on Thursday, December 18, 2008 at 12:01:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.

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