I happened upon a survey recently commissioned by Nestle. They were asking questions about "fun." Yikes. Anyway, one of the questions was "What would you do if you were invisible for a day?" Less than 10 percent of people said "sneak into the men's/women's locker room"... but, they noted, men were four times more likely to give that answer than women.
I thought I'd examine what you'd truly see if you got that power of invisibility and fulfilled every 12-year-old boy's dream (and the dream of a handful of Nestle Crunch eaters) by sneaking into the women's locker room.
To reach these conclusions, I spoke with actual women about what happens in their locker rooms. I also tried to use an invisibility cloak myself for research but I kept getting caught because I still showed up on the 24 Hour Fitness security guard's Marauder's Map.
Anyway, here are the 11 things you'd actually see in the women's locker room if you were invisibility. I've given all of them a percent chance, and ranked them from most to least likely.
I wonder if this group of women would be flattered to know I re-appropriated their photo for this purpose.
Some form of nudity - 96% likelihood
You will see nudity. If you sit in a women's locker room all day long, someone's getting naked. But you don't exactly get to pick and choose. Sure, you may happen to choose the day when a troupe of Hawaiian Tropics models has their bus break down outside. Or, since that day doesn't exist, you'll probably pick the day when the majority of the nudity comes from normal, regular women of all ages.
It reminds me of when precocious boys say they want to be gynecologists. After all, it's just an endless parade of female nudity in your face as a profession. Amazing! And then, as you get older, you realize that you get an entire bell curve of vaginas in that parade.
So whether you're a gynecologist, a Brazilian waxer, a guy who wears a Female Body Inspector hat and actually gets women to believe it, a plastic surgeon, a casting director in the porn industry, or a guy with invisibility, you WILL see nudity. It just won't go through the filters you're used to when it comes to the nakedness you see.
Plenty of not-very-revealing one-piece bathing suits and sports bras - 92% likelihood
In many cases, you'd probably see more skin at the beach. And probably even at a community pool. Arguably even a JC Penney's changing room.
Women standing around gossiping - 89% likelihood
According to the women I spoke with, there's always some group of women standing around in the locker room, gossiping. It's like watching "TMZ" only if instead of talking about famous people they were talking about their friends and co-workers who you've never heard of. And also not a TV show.
Women using the toilet - 85% likelihood
And remember -- just because you have the power of invisibility doesn't mean you lose your other senses. Your sense of smell is still there. There are things you'll see that can't be unseen.
Armpit shaving - 70% likelihood
Not every shower is an Herbal Essences shampoo-induced orgasm. Not every shower is Shannon Tweed on Cinemax spending 99/100ths of her showering effort on making sure her breasts are properly cleaned. When a woman's showering without someone watching, she does things that aren't textbook sexy.
Feminine hygiene products being changed - 66% likelihood
Of all the things that go on behind the curtain of the female gender, this is the big one that I simply don't want Toto to reveal.
I know it's not in a gym, but I couldn't pass up this photo once I spotted it.
Toenails being clipped - 45% likelihood
There was an old "Seinfeld" about good naked activities and bad naked activities. Toenail clipping? Most definitely bad.
Someone stealing something - 20% likelihood
I've had a cell phone stolen at the gym. Many of my friends have had stuff stolen at the gym. And it's not just because we go to a cheap gym that attracts a somewhat scruffy crowd. It's because people steal stuff at the gym.
So just imagine you're invisible and you see a woman break into another woman's locker and steal her wallet and cell phone and UGG boots. Do you break your cover to let her walk out of there (on comfortable wool padding) and commit identity theft? Or do you just stand idly by while a crime occurs in front of your eyes? These are the moral quandaries you don't anticipate when you sign up for a day of invisibility.
Lady mustache being Naired off - 14% likelihood
It's like one of those Got Milk? magazine ads. Only in this case, the milk is actually searing the hairs off her face.
Enormous naked hot chick orgy - 0.0000000000003% likelihood
That's assuming an approximate rate of one enormous naked hot chick orgy in some women's locker room in this world every 20 years or so. If you happen to pick that day and that one locker room as the time you cash in your invisibility... never expect to win anything ever again, because your lifetime supply of luck is all used up.
Enormous naked hot chick orgy where they say "man, I wish there was an invisible man here to join in" - 0.0000000000000000001% likelihood
So you're saying there's a chance.
This post was originally published on Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.