"If you're going to die young, you might as well die in the middle of deviant sex."
I'm not sure who said that quote (might be Golda Meir)... but it resonates true. If you are going to leave us prematurely, you should go out in the biggest, craziest blaze of sexual glory you can muster.
So this list, 11 crazy ways people died during sex, is not a place where I am speaking ill of the dead. No, it's an homage to their creativity and to their legacies. Except for this first guy. I am not paying homage to him.
Not the horse from the story. Just a random horse. I bet one day I get an infuriated email from the owner of this horse that I used it with this list. Never mess with horse people. They will cut you.
Kenneth Pinyan, death via horse. Pinyan was an engineer for Boeing, living outside of Seattle. And after work, he would regularly visit a farm where he would have sex with male horses. He would be on the receiving end. (Which fascinates me by the way -- seems like it would take some really twisted Horse Whisperer action to get a horse to do that. What's the old saying? You can lead a horse to anus but you can't make him violate it? I think that's it.)
In July of 2005, though, one of the horses got too deep in him -- and caused him a perforated colon. Pinyan resisted getting immediate medical attention -- this wasn't, like, a Fusilli Jerry going into his rectum in a one-in-a-million shot -- so he ended up dying from complications with the injury.
His death actually led to a change in Washington state law; bestiality is now a felony, punishable by up to five years in prison.
Kirsten Taylor, death via electric nipple clamps. When 29-year-old Kirsten Taylor of Craley, Pennsylvania, died from electrocution, her husband Toby initially told the cops she'd been shocked by her hair dryer. This... was not true.
He'd later admit that they were into "weird sexual behaviors." The night she died, they'd put electric clamps on her nipples and Toby was administering shocks to her by turning on and off a power strip. (Because a car battery would be too d‚class‚, obviously.)
Something went wrong and one of the shocks killed her. Which was a surprise since he said they'd "been engaging in electric shock sex" for about two years. And yet something still managed to go wrong. Who could've guessed?
Ralph Santiago, death via men's bathroom asphyxiation. 31-year-old Ralph Santiago was a night security guard in Reading, England. And if you've ever wondered about what the night staff does at your office building when you're not there... it's probably closer to this than you'd like to believe.
Ralph was into a form of autoerotic such-and-such. So he did what we all occasionally do on our work computers: He Googled new and innovative ways to suffocate himself into arousal.
In the middle of the night, he went into a stall in a men's bathroom at his building wearing a wetsuit, a gas mask, gloves and boots. He inhaled some poppers in the gas mask.
And that very well may've aroused him... but he also suffocated and died. He's not the only person to die in a sexual choking accident (Godspeed, David Carradine) -- but he gets the spot because of all the other little nuances.
There are many different renderings of Attila the Hun, this is closest to how I picture him in my head.
Attila the Hun, death via polygamous S&M. There are a lot of different theories about how Attila the Hun died during sex -- I'm going to go with the one I read in a book and not on the Internet. Old media rules!
As this story goes, he died the night of his honeymoon -- or should I say HUNeymoon?
(Pause for laughs... 2... 1...)
Attila liked it rough. So the night he married one of his wives -- he had dozens -- they were having rough, drunk sex and she ended up breaking his nose and causing a hemorrhage that killed him.
Chelsea Tumbleston and Brent Tyler, death by sexual falling. These two were students at the University of South Carolina and they were having sex on the roof of a building. But they picked a bad roof -- it was pyramid shaped and slippery from rain -- and they fell 50 feet to the ground. A cab driver found them, naked. It's the only case I could find where a parachute would've been better protection than a condom.
Tracey Scully, death from calling out the wrong name. In my somewhat-acclaimed book, I discuss how no one has ever or will ever call out the wrong name during sex like they do in the movies. Apparently it happened here.
While 53-year-old Colin Scully and his 39-year-old wife Tracey were having sex, she shouted out "Paul." He'd suspected she was banging a guy named Paul who they knew from their scooter club. This would be a good time to mention they're British, which is why they do things like scooter clubs.
Anyway, Colin ended up smothering her and she died. He's now in prison for murder. I assume Paul still rides his scooter, but with a little less joie de vivre than before.
Felix Faure, death via brothel overstimulation. Faure was the president of France, and died in 1899. There's some murkiness about his death but the prevailing theory is that he died while receiving oral sex, either in a brothel or from his assistant. (Either way, if this were a story about an American politician, it would've been a bathhouse or a male aid.)
Taking this to another level -- his death made the woman go into shock and suffer from lockjaw... so his dead, rigor mortising genitalia had to be surgically removed from her mouth.
This is not the chicken coop in question, but was a better representation than my second choice, a still from the movie Chicken Run.
Lu, death by chicken coop masturbation. 53-year-old Lu of China was found naked, dead, in a chicken coop outside of his bedroom. His computer inside of his room was still playing porno. The police determined that he was so excited by the porno that, for some reason, he went out to the chicken coop to have his way with himself.
The cold temperature outside and his elevated heart rate from masturbation teamed up to cause a fatal myocardial infarction. Yes, infarction. That's the correct word. I thought it sounded made up, like cromulent, but it's real.
Reinhard Wallecker and Stefanie Tanzer, death by garage sex. These two are teenagers in Austria who were in the garage, having sex in a Mazda. Not a Miata, as they are not also contortionists.
It was cold, so they turned on the engine so they could run the heat. Unfortunately, we all know what happens when you run a car engine in a closed garage. Not from first-hand experience, but because it's one of the most popular suicide techniques in movies. Doesn't it feel like 90 percent of people in movies kill themselves in garages and bathtubs, or occasionally with the old gun-in-the-mouth move?
They both died from carbon monoxide poisoning.
Unidentified Croatian man, death via bargain. My inability to speak enough Croatian to dig through local newspaper archives keeps us from having this guy's name. But his story made the broken English press, so we've got that.
He an 80-year-old retiree and negotiated with a 30-year-old prostitute for oral sex. Apparently, he got her down to the equivalent of $6.50 American, which is impressive -- that's some Extreme Couponing-level savings. And he was so excited from his bargaining triumph that as he took off his pants... and before she could even begin to perform... he dropped dead.
Sergey Tuganov, death via orgy. I think this guy may be the winner. Sergey was a 28-year-old Russian man who found himself in a situation you'd only find in a porno (or, more likely, one of those straight-to-DVD American Pie faux-sequels). Two women bet him he couldn't sexually satisfy them during a 12-hour threesome. He took the bet... for around $4,300... then chugged a bottle of Viagra and got to work.
After he successfully pulled off the 12-hour orgy and it was time for them to pay up, he dropped dead from a heart attack.
This post was originally published on Tuesday, November 8, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex.