A new track claims it can transform sex into an interval training workout. So why do I keep hearing traces of Janet Jackson, Mario Kart and Cotton Eye Joe?
Move over, Ginuwine.
A drugstore chain from the U.K. just released the world’s first music track specifically designed to turn sex into exercise. Yes, that’s a baffling sentence in many, many ways.
I say “music track” rather than “song” because that feels much more accurate. It’s (ambitiously) 23 minutes long and changes beats-per-minute rates throughout. The theory is that if you pace your sexual activity to the beat of the track, it will turn said sexual activity into an interval training workout.
I have not personally tested it — I would imagine that if I proposed testing it to my wife, she’d still be laughing right now — but I did listen to the entire thing.
Here’s my breakdown.
0:00 – 0:25 – A generously slow start for the awkward fumbling around process.
0:26 – 2:39 – Very new agey. Almost like a song from Enigma or one that plays in the waiting room of a massage studio.
2:40 – 5:49 – Can’t make a sex song without a bass guitar, right? It enters in full effect right here, along with a faster beat. Toward the end of this section it sounds like we’re either building toward something or playing Rainbow Road.
5:50 – 10:00 – The beat is really thumping now. As for the music, it’s sounds a little like Janet Jackson’s Escapade. By the way, the latest numbers say sex lasts an average of 7.3 minutes, so the workout may abruptly end here. At least your heart rate will still be in the fat burning zone (or possibly the “sitting perfectly sedentary staring straight ahead” zone).
10:01 – 10:16 – WHEN WILL THE BASS DROP?
10:17 – Here.
10:18 – 12:22 – I get a nice early ’90s vibe from this. Like it could be from the CeCe Peniston or Crystal Waters discard pile. Things are really speeding up here.
12:23 – 13:07 – I’m pretty sure this was one of the beats from the old Casio keyboards.
13:08 – 14:09 – This is your interval training slowdown moment. Just in case you thought the whole “interval training” aspect of this song is a scam. Sure, they never really remember it at any other point in the song, but for this minute, they’re all about it.
14:10 – 14:40 – And now they’ve dropped the entire pretense of this being a song and are just serving as a thumping sex metronome.
14:41 – 15:12 – They’re still going with the pure pounding beat, but now there’s also a tune that makes it sound like you’re having sex in a magical, shimmering forest.
15:13 – 17:36 – They keep repeating a few notes here that sound JUST like Cotton Eye Joe. Like, I kinda zoned out for a second and then snapped back into it when I heard the notes and naturally assumed one of the Rednex was about to say, “Had it not been for Cotton Eye Joe.”
17:37 – 18:50 – It’s really winding down here. The song has slowed basically to a crawl. Perhaps they assumed your sexual relations wrapped up during the Cotton Eye Joe bit and now you’re just thrusting into the air to burn those last few calories?
18:51 – 22:54 – And now it’s not just slow, but it sounds like “triumph of the human spirit” moment. Like the final scene in a movie where a late ’70s runner with long hair and a headband is climactically crossing the finish line with his arms raised up in the air. There’s even a sound effect that resembles clapping at various moments.
22:55 – 23:03 – The music drops out and you are left with eight seconds of just the beat. If you’re still going, I guess your workout is complete and you can finally focus on just sex. Time to switch back over to Ginuwine.
