11 Points

Man Visits From Future, Demands Arby's
written by Sam Greenspan

Last Friday morning, 36-year-old Dante Anderson busted into an Arby's in Oklahoma City with an important announcement.



Dante jumped onto the counter, told the employees he had just time traveled from the future and needed some food to take back with him. He grabbed a handful of bacon and chicken, and left -- breaking the glass door on the way out.

Then he wandered into the street, eating the bacon and karate kicking cars.

The cops eventually found him and got some clarification. Dante told them he was from four years in the future and time traveling is how people get their food. He was arrested and is facing several charges.

A police spokesman says they're not sure if he was "under the influence of some sort of narcotic or intoxicant or suffering from some type of break with reality."

It seems they didn't consider the fourth possibility: What if he's telling the truth? The most important question: Does this mean there are no Arby's in the future? If so, that's a bleak dystopian world of which I do not want to be a part.

Other, less important questions:
  • Wouldn't people in the future want more than just a modest amount of bacon and chicken? Shouldn't he have filled up his entire time travel machine with Beef n' Cheddars?

  • How mad will his future friends be that he ate some of the bacon?

  • Is his hair turning gray, or is it spray painted that way like you'd imagine from someone in the future?

  • Arby's recently started referring to fish as "ocean meat." Is it possible that wasn't just goofy marketing and more of a targeted advertisement to future people using their more sterile parlance?

  • And if Arby's has a precipitous fall from grace and has vanished in four years, shouldn't this guy get a full pardon and apology? After all, it's been less than four years since Blockbuster shuttered all its stores. Things can change that quickly.

I'll be checking in on April 20, 2020 for a follow up. Until then, beware of a man with a sports almanac.

(Source)


This post was originally published on Wednesday, April 20, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink.

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