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I've Never Played Minecraft, But I Assume I'm Better At It Than Any Kid
written by Sam Greenspan

I've never played Minecraft, I barely know anything about it, but that doesn't matter. I'm an adult, dammit. And I would be so much better at it than a kid.



Why?
  1. I was raised on video games that required patience without immediate rewards. I spent every day of 1988 trying to beat Montezuma's Revenge on an Apple IIe but, because my parents wouldn't buy me a joystick and I could only use the keyboard, I never even got past the second level. That's dedication crossed with insanity.

  2. My adult brain provides the necessary spatial awareness and understanding for a building game. Kids are always running into walls and shit. I don't do that anymore.

  3. I took physics. It was a lot of years ago, but still, I took it and it seems like it would help. I never took any architecture-related classes, but I do know terms like "buttress" so that's important. I am also decent at Jenga, which also seems relevant.

  4. I can play without anyone nagging me to go outside and get some exercise. (Other than maybe a doctor.)

  5. I was raised on real, physical building toys. Like Construx and Lincoln Logs and Legos. Not these modern "Dora the Explorer meets Han Solo" Legos. Real, classic Legos that aren't jazzed up with some storyline or gimmick. I built something epic for the sake of building something epic by physically building something epic.

  6. Unlike today's kids, I've actually existed in the real, three-dimensional world and not lived my life on screens. Therefore, I know how dimensional things work.

  7. A gym teacher once called me a blockhead, which is literally what Minecraft is about. Today's kids are not called blockheads because (1) that insult was antiquated when *I* heard it and (2) that gym teacher would be sued so hard he'd lose everything down to his fraying tube socks.

  8. I have money. I can just relax and enjoy the game because, thanks to my disposable income, if I don't like it, I don't have to wait for my birthday or Christmas to get another video game.

  9. I have excellent access to drugs. While I'm not on meth -- which could be quite useful for those 72-hour building sessions -- it would be easier for me to get some than a kid.

  10. I won't eventually grow out of playing. That ship has sailed. I already grew out of video games, went on a quest to find out what beer tasted like and boobs felt like, then grew back into video games, and now I have nothing to do except play them until I die.

  11. Kids are lazy!!!!


This post was originally published on Tuesday, March 31, 2015 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games.

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