11 Points

11 Best Razors, In Order
written by Sam Greenspan

Here is an arbitrary ranking of 11 prominent razors. I haven't done a list this stupid in quite some time. Perhaps that last time was 11 Things Calvin Has Never Peed On, But Should. Or 11 Shades of Grey. Either way, it's about time.

Here are the 11 best razors, ranked.

  1. Not great.
    Razor scooters. My lowest-ranked razors are Razor Scooters, merely an overpriced way for children to get horrifically mangled. That's what the roller skate wheels in your shoes are for, little fella. Beyond that, Razor scooters are occasionally targeted at adults who think Segways and/or Vespas don't properly convey the extent of their Peter Pan complexes. And, also, are looking for an overpriced way to get horrifically mangled.

  2. Razor wire. No one ever really respected razor wire -- as we saw in Fight Club, you can easily get over it with a nice blanket or a bag of fat -- but at least in the old days it was a decent security measure because of the rust. Razor wire really lost its effectiveness once tetanus shots were invented. Still, I think it's a slightly better razor than the Razor scooter because it's not completely extraneous.

  3. Razor blades in apples. No one wants to bite into an apple and have the inside of their mouth filleted by a razor blade. It's very bad. And rumors used to fly around that any apples you got for Halloween would have razor blades in them. Which is bad. Although it did effectively end any bubbling trend of people passing out apples to trick-or-treaters. Which is good. We're talking "better than razor wire" good.

  4. Gillette Mach 5 Fusion Power razor. Jokes about shaving companies adding even MORE blades to razors is some of the hackiest comedic ground out there, so that alone knocks the Mach 5 down the list. Also, I have one, and I'm not sure why it needs to vibrate. It's not an electric razor. Am I really supposed to believe the mild vibration is raising up my hair follicles to make them more shaveable? Please, that's ludicrous. I mean, not as ludicrous as an eight-blade razor -- which has to be coming next, am I right!?

    (Actually, I'm probably wrong. A six-blade razor would be next. Along with six-minute abs.)

  5. (Not pictured: More buttons.)
    Razer gaming peripherals. Every once in a while I'm tempted to get a Razer mouse with 20 buttons on the side. "Think of all the programmable shortcuts!" I think to myself. Then I realize I don't need more shortcuts and gamer mice are wasted on non-gamers. Still, a 20-button mouse is slightly cooler and significantly more gratuitous than a five-bladed razor, so it gets this spot.

  6. Hanlon's razor. Hanlon's razor is: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." That's a decent razor. Not great, but decent. It seems like too convenient of a way to let people off the hook; isn't today's trend of aggressive ignorance a somewhat insidious and latent form of malice? That being said, it's clearly better than a 20-button mouse, but not better than the 1994 NCAA men's basketball champions.

  7. Arkansas Razorbacks. Thing I just learned: The Arkansas Razorbacks are the only major U.S. sports team with a porcine nickname.

    Thing I learned 30 seconds later: Porcine means "resembling a pig." I probably should've inferred that. I am so off my PSAT game.

    Thing I thought of 14 seconds later: What about Springfield A&M?

    I don't have any specific beef (pork?) with the Arkansas Razorbacks, they're basically a middle-of-the-pack SEC team I couldn't really tell you anything about. I respect their history, which is why I ranked them above Hanlon's somewhat shaky razor, but couldn't rank them above the Bad Guy...

  8. Razor Ramon. For those unfamiliar, Razor Ramon was the gimmick given to a pro wrestler named Scott Hall during his first run with the WWF. It was basically "Tony Montana lite" -- fake Cuban accent, suggestions of shady dealings, using the phrase "Say ha-llo," but no references to cocaine. But... Razor Ramon accidentally turned out to be a charismatic wrestler and the gimmick worked pretty well. Eventually Scott Hall would take on the other characteristics of Tony Montana and actively tried to ruin his life with drugs -- but now he's back to being clean and sober so his condition has been upgraded to "alive."

  9. Old school flip.
    Motorola RAZR. The original RAZR is antiquated now, but there was a time when the Motorola RAZR was THE phone to have. It's the only phone I've thought about breaking a cell phone contract to get. Since then, the RAZR name has been passed around and devalued quite a bit, but I'm giving it this spot for being the first phone to prove a phone's aesthetics mattered as much as -- or more than -- its function. I'm not sure that's a good trend, but it's A trend.

  10. Straight razor. I like a good straight razor; nothing shaves better or brings up old timey nostalgia more intensely. Of course, I live in constant fear of my throat being slashed by one, which is the only reason I couldn't promote this to number one. On the bright side, it is a good excuse to avoid having to go see Sweeney Todd.

  11. Occam's Razor. It was the only idea I could think of.

This post was originally published on Tuesday, February 25, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.

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