11 Brand New Unwritten Laws of Life
Published Monday, May 3, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM

Yesterday, I was leafing through a book I'd received as a gift a while back. It's called "Unwritten Laws: The Unofficial Rules of Life" and features hundreds of famous and not-so-famous laws like Cameron's Rule of Etiquette ("You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours") or Parkinson's Law ("Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.")

And as I read through, I decided I wanted to take my own crack at writing up some of my own. Here are my 11 original contributions to the unofficial, unwritten laws of life. (Which, ya know, are no longer unwritten since I'm writing them down, but whatever, it's an idiom.)

  1. Goofier.
    When a single woman decides she wants to get married ASAP, her next boyfriend will be far goofier looking than her ex.
    I'm yet to find a case where this isn't true. Keeping in mind that the new boyfriend doesn't necessarily have to be bad looking... just goofier than the last guy.

  2. The number of higher-ups involved in the creative process is inversely proportional to the quality of the output.
    In every experience I've ever witnessed, the world's most brilliant ideas all come from one person's unique point of view. There's nothing that ruins something brilliant like a half a dozen bosses each throwing in their changes. "I'm just spitballing here, but how funny would it be if the character walked into a 7-Eleven and he couldn't understand what the guy behind the counter was saying in a thick Indian accent. And he keeps thinking that the guy is gay but he really isn't! Then he gets so frustrated that he farts!"

  3. No place on Earth has a higher concentration of smokers than an AA meeting.

  4. No matter how amazing a city is on vacation, if you move there it just becomes the place where you watch TV.
    We've all had the moment where we went on an amazing vacation and seriously considered moving to that city. Some people even pull the trigger. Unfortunately, that action-packed week vacation is a trick -- all the hotspots, all the scenery, all the food, all the people were novel and you didn't have to work, watch your diet or pay any bills. Eventually, it just becomes your home. I've been in Los Angeles almost nine years. Every single friend I've ever had here has, at some point, said to me, "Man, I really need to get to the beach more often."


  5. Remember, you're competing against this guy.
    No matter how good you are at a video game, there's someone out there who's exponentially better.
    I always suspected this, but learned it definitively after I had ACL replacement surgery last year and, couch-ridden, I played Dr. Mario against other random people across the Wii universe. I can beat everyone I've ever met in Dr. Mario. The people online absolutely murdered me.

  6. Even though you're disappointed, it's ultimately a great sign about your character that you didn't get cast on that reality show.

  7. You don't have to worry about your kid going goth unless he is under 130 pounds or over 240.
    Frankly, I'm surprised Hot Topic sells clothes in any size that isn't XXS or XXL.

  8. A politician's passion towards anti-gay rights legislation is directly proportional to his odds of being caught having gay sex in a public bathroom.
    Whenever you see a headline that a politician got caught cheating on his wife with a man, you can guarantee about five paragraphs into the article it'll discuss how he authored legislation against gay marriage.


  9. The last Cheez-It, covered in the dust and salt of all of its fallen comrades.
    Either all of the Cheez-Its are left in the box or none are.
    No where in this world does a half-full box of Cheez-Its exist.

  10. Unfortunately for all, the amount of TV news programming now vastly exceeds the amount of news.
    There's one hour's worth of news a day: 30 local, 30 national. Everything else is just pundits screaming, hoping to be loud and contrarian enough to get their own show and/or seven-figure book advance.

  11. If given the choice between waiting in two airport security lines, the one you choose will move slower... unless there's a family with kids in the other line, then that one will move slower.
    An axiom to this: You can substitute "an over-50 couple, neither of whom speaks English" for the family with kids. A second axiom: If the family with kids has greater than 0.5 strollers with them, everyone behind them will miss their flights.


This list was published on Monday, May 3, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.
It currently has View Comments.

Did you enjoy this list?
11 Points is a one-man operation that relies on word-of-mouth & repeat readers.
So please consider sharing this list using the social media icons in the box, and/or joining the 11 Points mailing list, Facebook fan page and Twitter feed.
11 Literary References People Make Without Realizing It

11 Things That Will Kill Your Road Trip

11 Red Flags You Should Be Able To Spot Within Three Dates

11 Points Inbox-O-Rama, Number 10

11 Funniest Classified Ads Ever

Archive of all Misc lists

11 Points Live Blog - 2010 Emmy Awards
Published Sunday, August 29, 2010 at 06:57:00 PM under the category TV

11 Acronyms Whose Dirty Meanings Have Usurped Their Clean Meanings
Published Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex

11 Stars of The Expendables, Ranked By On-Screen Ass Kicking
Published Tuesday, August 24, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies

11 Very Unfortunate Mistakes On TV News Graphics
Published Friday, August 20, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics

11 Thoughts On the WWE After Attending Monday Night Raw
Published Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports

11 Famous Sony Products, Ranked From Worst Failure to Biggest Success
Published Monday, August 16, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Web & Tech

Full Archive

11 Points is comprised entirely of (theoretically) humorous 11-item lists covering a giant swath of topics.

It's composed entirely by this stern-
faced goon to the right. His name
is Sam. Screw Flanders.
(advertisement)
Click Here
11 Points on Twitter
interaction, news, randomness
11 Points on Facebook
community, forum, public affection

11 Points RSS
instantaneous, confusing to the elderly
11 Points Mailing List
updates, contests, exclusives

(advertisement)

Friends, Bloggers and Well-Wishers
(Meaning they wish me no specific harm.)
Angie Greenup
blogarama.com
Bro Bible
Cobra's Casket
Comedy.com
Cracked.com
Don Chavez
Gorilla Mask
Jared's Cube
John Stone
Morning, Wood
Neatorama
 Newser
OMG Blog
Panda Smash
Patrick Stack
Paul's Pond
Reality Blurred
Regretful Morning
Ritu B Pant
Smarty Panties
Wine and Gold Rush
Wise Brother Media
Wow, My Date Sucked!


11 Points is a collection of exhaustively-researched, meticulously-written, theoretically-humorous 11-item lists, covering topics ranging from TV and movies to the Internet and video games to food and dating to politics and race relations.

It's all written by Sam Greenspan, a Midwest-born, classically-trained journalist who now tries to make a dollar out of 15 cents in Los Angeles. (It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent.)

Read more about 11 Points and Sam here.

For information about reprinting 11 Points content, or for quotes/interviews for your newspaper, magazine, website, TV program, or radio show, contact Sam via e-mail at