I see so many articles about "obese" this and "fat" that. I'm over it. Done with it. After the barrage of articles a few weeks ago linking my beloved and irreplaceable Diet Coke to weight gain (and setting the causation-correlation movement back 20 years in the process), I've decided to tune them out. And, in fact, I want to take a stand in the opposite direction.
So here are 11 careers where gaining weight is a good thing. Where obesity is a good thing. Where Marlo Thomas wants you to know you and me are free to be you and me. Plump on...
Bodyguard - Kevin Costner types need no longer apply. If you're hired to theoretically take a bullet for someone, you'd better have the surface area to absorb it even if you're a half-second late entering your classic "jump in front while yelling 'Nooooooooooo!'" gambit.
Sumo wrestler - Rather than turn this into an entire list of different athletic persuasions, I just chose one. So this is the representative of all the sports where obesity isn't a deal breaker. Sumo gets the nod because weight is not just acceptable, it's a prerequisite. It just beat out everything on my 11 Olympic Sports That Morbidly Obese People Could Win list, plus being an American League pitcher who can throw the heat.
A female singer who really belts it out - There will always be a place in music for a larger woman who can sing the hell out of a note. And by that, I mean: Can take one note and run it into 500 notes. And in today's climate, if you hook up with a group like C&C Music Factory, they *won't* replace you with a thin but talentless lip syncher in the videos. Times have changed. The music industry is like one more Susan Boyle or Adele or Wilson Phillips comeback tour away from realizing people want to see singers who look like singers.
Chef - "Never trust a skinny chef" is one of those truisms of life I strictly adhere to. Along with "never trust someone wearing a dead man's pants"... "never trust a statistics professor who you can understand"... "never trust a homeless person with a cellphone"... and "never trust a gay guy wearing Eddie Bauer."
Bouncer - It's a job that comes with a disproportionately inflated sense of power, so might as well back that up with a disproportionately inflated body too.
That's a classic right there.
Slapstick comedy actor - There's a proud, proud history of large, transcendent comedians, from Oliver Hardy to John Belushi to Chris Farley to... well... no one can say. Jack Black, Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen chose to drop weight instead of bulk up. Kevin James doesn't have the cred. All this adds up to mean: There's a serious vacancy for the next great obese funnyman. So if you're at the Groundlings or Second City, you weigh around 215 and you're debating which direction to go...
Female topless cocaine sorter that you always see in the movies - Immunity from being accused of stealing the product, right?
Lumberjack - I don't know that lumberjacking is necessarily aided by bulk, but I do know that all of the lumberjack strongmen competitors have amazing bellies. So it must come in handy when chopping trees or sparring with hippies and/or beavers. Also, thick beards hide double chins, so double bonus there.
That's what I'm talking about.
Professional NFL superfan - This isn't for everyone. This is only for a person who takes being a fan of their football team to a professional level. Like, you get local endorsements and such. You'd better weigh over 350 pounds if: You want to be buried in your team's jersey... your tailgate consists of baconing up your sausage... you wear a personalized jersey after age 40... you have a thick mustache... you would never sully the integrity of the game by drinking light beer at the stadium, but also wouldn't sully the integrity of the game by staying sober... when it comes time for body painting you don't care how cold it is outside AND you can personally handle at least three letters.
Mob boss - This career is the ultimate collision of unlimited pasta and being able to whack off anyone who would dare make fun of you. Like, in a Venn diagram, a customer at an Olive Garden would have access to unlimited pasta but not the ability to quickly kill someone. A ninja would have the ability to kill someone but can't afford to be heavyset due to a need for stealthy movements. Only a mob boss perfectly falls in the middle.
Mall Santa (or actual Santa) - Quite possibly the most chubby-friendly profession in the world. You actually lose your job if you lose weight. It's like the 180-degree opposite of being a casino cocktail waitress, a Pussycat doll or Jared.
This post was originally published on Tuesday, July 12, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.