11 Points

11 Fantastic Celebrity Animal Phobias
written by Sam Greenspan

Consider this a rare dalliance by 11 Points into "US Weekly" territory. It's my version of Celebrities -- They're Just Like Us!... but only if you have peculiarly irrational fears of flightless birds or farm animals.
  1. Eminem - owls
    I just heard one of the 18,000 singles from his new album on the radio today. It's called "Not Afraid". I guess based on this phobia the song only applies to his lack of fear of intra- and inter-personal demons... but not the spokesman for Tootsie Pops.



  2. Genghis Khan, Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and LaToya Jackson - cats
    Ladies and gentlemen, the only five-person list ever where LaToya Jackson could be, by far, the most likable entrant.

    (Also, weird that so many notoriously evil people are on this list -- yet Dr. Claw was totally a cat guy. Makes me think he was really just faking it.)



  3. Orlando Bloom - pigs
    And in an ironic twist, Hakeen Olajuwon, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Muhammad Ali and everyone mentioned in Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Songs" have a phobia of being chased by a gorilla while "Yakety Sax" plays.

    (Of course, they can overcome that fear by turning the tables off screen and chasing the gorilla. But watch out for the cop and two scantily-clad women who are chasing all of them!)



  4. Tyra Banks - dolphins
    She's afraid of dolphins? I didn't know she and Tom Brady had so much in common.



  5. Scarlett Johansson - cockroaches
    This happened after she was reading Kafka's "Metamorphosis" and -- oh, wait, no, it actually happened when she woke up with one on her face and, as she told an interviewer, that made her say, quote, "ewwww."



  6. Walt Disney - mice
    Funny. I thought Walt Disney would be more afraid of "Maus" than mice.



    Yes, I went for the obscure Art Spiegelman reference instead of the Mickey Mouse reference. For those visiting this site for the first time, welcome to the world of 11 Points.



  7. Shannon Elizabeth - chickens
    She also shares this phobia with Marty McFly. And stands in direct contrast to Gonzo.



  8. Nicole Kidman - butterflies
    Although I'm sure her fear was assuaged a bit when she got divorced in 2001 and finally was allowed to take anti-anxiety meds. That may cost her her spot on the spaceship, but at least she doesn't have to spend her life inexplicably afraid of the world's least dangerous and most gorgeous animal.



  9. Bobby Brown, Michael Jackson and Woody Allen - dogs
    There's an old stereotype that black people are afraid of dogs (which Michael Vick really tried to evolve into black people are afraid of dogs or make them fight each other) -- so we'll use that to explain Bobby Brown and Michael Jackson. (Remember, since he died, he's being considered black again. Jamie Foxx told us so.)

    As for Woody Allen, beyond dogs, there are also articles that reference him being afraid of insects, sunshine, deer, children, heights, small rooms, crowds and cancer. The only thing he's not afraid of, apparently, is being an over-the-top Jewish stereotype.



  10. Jake Gyllenhaal - ostriches
    Apparently there were some ostriches on the set of "Prince of Persia" and he was legit afraid of them. (I didn't see it. I'm guessing there was a scene featuring ostriches. And probably lots of white people, as they were apparently abundant in the movie's version of the old Middle East.)

    So, to review, he wrapped a big budget action movie and was left terrified of ostriches... but after "Donnie Darko" he was still cool to celebrate Easter and go to the Playboy mansion. Fame's making you soft, Gyllenhaal.



  11. Lyle Lovett - cows
    I spent six straight minutes trying to figure out a non-contrived joke connecting Lyle Lovett's fear of cows to his marriage to Julia Roberts and the only one I liked was the following pun: I guess this means he didn't go see Mooona Lisa's Smile. (And the six minutes were... totally worth it!)




This post was originally published on Wednesday, July 14, 2010 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.

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