I received an email recently from someone asking me if I could write a list of motivational tips to lose weight. Instead of following the normal route -- "You'll rediscover old clothes!" "The doctor will have to find a different reason to give you shit!" "Radishes don't taste THAT horrible!" -- I thought this would be a better way.
I dug up old photos of 11 celebrities who were chubbier as kids. Because if these clowns could slim down and stay slimmed down, you can too. It's like using US Weekly's "Just Like Us" section for the power of good.
This one caught me by surprise. I guess it makes sense why now he insists on exclusively wearing pants with a 22-inch waist.
Jenny "J-Woww" Farley.
She's now made a conscious effort to concentrate 80 percent of her body weight in her general bosom region. I haven't watched Jersey Shore since a few episodes of the first season. She's still alive, right?
Yes, he's just a baby... but what a baby. If you're wondering about the stray baby arm next to him in the photo, to fit him into my photo template I had to crop out his twin brother. Which is a shame, since by all accounts his brother's a really good guy who didn't subject anyone to Valentine's Day.
Going after Tara Reid now feels like going after low-hanging fruit. So I picked a post-weight loss picture to represent Tara Reid at the prime of her life. Ya know, when she was dating Carson Daly and doing Josie and the Pussycats.
If you don't know who this is, he's the guy who did the "I wanna be a billionaire" song. If you don't know what that is... you're living a fulfilling life.
I know I've used this middle school photo of Seacrest before (in an embarrassing yearbook photos list three years ago)... but it remains arguably the greatest leaked celebrity yearbook photo of all time. So I'll break protocol and repeat it. It's worth it.
Khloe gets a lot of heat for being the giantess of the family, but out of all of them she landed the second-most successful athlete. She's only behind Kris landing Bruce Jenner (who was once considered the greatest athlete in the world and not an Edvard Munch model). Kim hasn't achieved that with Kris Humphries or even Reggie Bush. And Odom's WAY ahead of that goon Kourtney is married to. I kind of feel like going to an unlicensed surgeon and having him jam a crayon in my brain to make me stop knowing even that much trivia about that family.
I refuse to spell her name with a dollar sign. Much like I refused to write Prince's name as a symbol. However I really enjoy writing "Sk8tr Boi" because even now, like 10 years after it came out, the fact that they went with that spelling still just gets me every time.
This one's a bit unfair since the childhood photo comes from his role in Stand By Me. Still, he transitioned into a consistently skinny adult. And -- I realized as I was working on this -- one who is more famous than his credits would indicate. On Wikipedia, it says he's "best known for his roles in the TV series Sliders, Andrew Clements in My Secret Identity, Vern Tessio in the film Stand by Me, Charlie Carbone in Kangaroo Jack, and Detective Woody Hoyt on the drama Crossing Jordan." I would've thrown in his brief cameo in Can't Hardly Wait as well, but still. That's a pretty shaky top of the resume for someone so well known.
Of course, if Jennifer Hudson hadn't been a little heftier she never would've been cast as Effie in Dreamgirls, never would've won an Oscar and never would've landed that Weight Watchers endorsement deal that helped her shrink drastically. Instead she'd just be another ex-Idol with a good voice and occasional reunion show appearances. I'm talking about you, Ejay Day.
Look, you've got to seize onto whatever you can when it comes to explaining to the woman in your life why you're a better catch than Brad Pitt. Here, we shall cling to the fact that he appears to have briefly had a double chin as a baby. Meanwhile, I drive a Nissan and can recite Baseketball from start to finish. So, ya know.
This post was originally published on Wednesday, June 27, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.