11 Points

11 Points Inbox-O-Rama, Number 7
written by Sam Greenspan

It's the weekly Wednesday Inbox-O-Rama -- the time when I respond to 11 e-mails, comments, Tweets and Facebook messages I've received during the week.

As always, people whose submissions are posted in an Inbox-O-Rama get an 11 Points sticker! I think I'm going to do my first big mailing of these this week, so if you've been in an Inbox-O-Rama and feel comfortable sending a stranger with a ridiculous pink website your mailing address, make sure to e-mail it to me.

And here we go...

1. It's been working for Catholic high school kids for decades.

Good follow-up here to my old 11 Ridiculous Signs That Always Make Me Laugh post here:
I was surprised to see you didn't include the sign at a Family Planning Clinic that states 'Please use rear entrance'.

--Hughchi (via the comments)
I tracked down the sign he was referring to and, yes, giant omission on my part.



2. "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is back, and I'm back on it.

Brian commented on one of my first lists ever, 11 TV Shows I've Completely Given Up On...
Season 6 of Curb is definitely the best out of all of them. Larry David + the Blacks is the best thing that happened to the show. With the Seinfeld reunion happening this season, I don't know how you could justify NOT watching it...

--Brian (via the comments)
Well, I missed all of last season of "Curb", but this a few weeks ago, when it came back after something like a 15-year hiatus, I found myself watching the season premiere... and really enjoying it. So I TiVoed it on Sunday and really enjoyed the second episode. And with the third, this "Seinfeld" reunion plot is starting, and that's got as much promise as the old "Producers" plotline from a few seasons back.

So I'm going to retract that point from that list... I'm back to watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Unfortunately, I'm a little lost... using context clues I was able to piece together that Larry got divorced and somehow ended up moving Vivica A. Fox and her entire family into his house, I just don't know how that happened. I guess I need to track down last season's DVDs.

However, before you think I've gone soft, "Curb" is the only show from that old list I've started watching again.

This TV season I found myself sucked into the "FlashForward" pilot, so I'll watch that... otherwise, everything I'm TiVoing is a veteran. And, two episodes into this season of "It's Always Sunny", I think it has potential to be the greatest season ever. Yeah, that's right, bozo.

3. Businesses selling THREE unrelated items!

I love getting new photos that add on to my 11 Businesses Selling Two Hilariously Unconnected Items list. Yesterday I got this e-mail about a business selling THREE unconnected things:
Dear Sir:

Please be advised that in Erie, PA, there exists a business where one may purchase weapons and fireworks. Oh, and jelly beans. From what I've heard, customers receive a free Jelly Belly jelly bean sample with purchase, however I cannot confirm this personally.

--Patty
Heh heh, "sir." Anyway, she sent along a link to a photo of the sign and, yes, this business really is boldly advertising its different products. Those things go together like lamb and tuna fish. (Should I have said spaghetti and meatball? Would you be more comfortable with that analogy?)



I'd also like to go on a quick tangent about Jelly Belly, and why the company really impressed me. My mom would occasionally buy these when I was growing up and I remain shocked to this day that the flavor I remember the most is... buttered popcorn. I mean... they made a popcorn-flavored jelly bean that (1) wasn't gross and (2) even went as far as tasting good. Now THAT'S the American spirit.

4. Wow, Zack Braff and Latinos have something in common.

This is a follow-up to Monday's list, 11 Things Google Should Atone For On Its 11th Anniversary. I really like that it starts with a backhanded compliment too...
well....not a great list but at least somewhat amusing... I guess since you don't do care about the Latino demographic in your site, (then again, I might be the only latino here..lol) I decided to do the "Why do Latinos" and came up with 5 options on Google search:

1. Why do latinos drop out of school

2. Why do latinos immigrate to the United States

3. Why do latino men cheat

4. Why do Latinos love Morrissey

5. Why do Latinos love Black women (amazingly this one was after the Morrissey one)

--Victor (via the comments)
What's craziest is that, thanks to Google's weird suggested searches, I've learned two new stereotypes in three days. On Monday, I learned about the stereotype that white people smell like dogs. And today, I learned that Latino people love a weird, scrawny British guy.

There are explanations of the origins of the Latino-Morrissey connection online if you search, but I think it's more fun to make up your own theories. Meanwhile, for next week, I'd love it if people send in more obscure stereotypes... I find those to be an endless source of amusement.


This may be my favorite Photoshop job for this website to date.


5. Questions galore!

I got these 11 questions from Victoria. People have commented that when I answer long lists of questions it's easier for me to inject my responses right into the body, so I'll do that below...
Dear Sam Freaking Greenspan,

I found your site completely by accident when I googled "Fight Club" (my newest obsession). I now check it numerous times a day. You are amazing and I showed your site to all of my friends (who also are now semi obsessed with it). By the way, we frequently refer to you as "Sam Freaking Greenspan." Please don't be alarmed. So, I have 11 Questions for you.
  1. What is your view on being an only child- did you like or dislike it? If you were to have a child in the future, would you be okay with it being an only child? Well, being an only child is the only thing I know. I think I liked it. It definitely taught me how to aggressively make friends... while simultaneously being really good at being alone. Sometimes I wish I'd had someone to hang with on family vacations, or to give my parents an alternative choice when asked "How's your kid doing?" But, in general, I think only children can turn out well-adjusted and un-spoiled... if their parents do a good job. Which mine did.

  2. Can we expect to see 11 Horrible things about Twilight any time soon? I've never read any of the "Twilight" books nor seen the movie, but I think I'd like to, because I get tons of requests to write 11 Points lists about them. Um... yeah. Yeah! THAT'S why I'm going to read them.

  3. If you had a pet pig, would you name is Spiderpig? This is a bit of a controversial viewpoint, but I didn't love the "Simpsons" movie. I was incredibly disappointed. The "South Park" movie beats the hell out of it.

  4. You just heard that The Simpsons got canceled and it won't even be on in syndication. What is your initial reaction? Fortunately, I can just call my friend Steve and have him recite entire episodes to me, so after an initial period of sadness, I'd be OK with it.

  5. What is your favorite band (or bands)? This is a tough one because I'm so weird in so many ways about music. I've mentioned before that I mostly listen to hip-hop, but also really like female singer-songwriters, power pop and music from my teenage years. So I'll give you a really strange quick list of 11 in no particular order: Kanye West before he became a pariah (his first album is my favorite hip-hop album ever), Regina Spektor, Bone Thugs N' Harmony, Fountains of Wayne, Ingrid Michaelson, Boyz II Men, Ludacris, Less Than Jake, Kelly Clarkson, early Dr. Dre and Elton John. Yep. That list just happened.

  6. New TV show "Glee". Like, Dislike, or Indifferent? I was going to do a full 11 Points on "Glee"... but that was before I gave up on it after three episodes. My conclusions in one run-on sentence: Too many generic one-note characters... boring and/or frustrating plots (especially the fake pregnancy one)... better suited as a half-hour show... ratio of 25 unfunny and/or trying-too-hard jokes for every one funny joke.

  7. How do you feel about fan fiction? I think it's funny that when people on the Internet write fake episodes of their favorite TV shows it's called "fan fiction," when I do it it's called a "spec script."

  8. Do you think the Janitor on Scrubs was too much of a one-note character? No, I think he fit the universe. At least until they started giving him his own "A" story lines. He needed to remain a character like Wilson on "Home Improvement" or Kenny on "South Park" -- a main character given a narrow joke premise who, therefore, wasn't really capable of carrying an episode.

  9. Do you have any nicknames you would prefer to be called other than "Sam Freaking Greenspan"? We probably won't ever call you anything else, but it's good to know. Oddly enough, I've never really gotten a nickname that's stuck. In 30 years. I'm the person who thinks of (or actively propagates) nicknames for others. Never really had one myself. So carry on with Sam Freaking Greenspan.

  10. What would you do if your doctor told you that you were pregnant? Call Oprah, tell her I'm even cooler than the sex change guy she interviewed when he/she got pregnant, then plug the hell out of my website once I got on the show. THEN maybe Digg would stop refusing to promote my links to their front page even when they get 150+ Diggs.

  11. What are your major aspirations for the future? My aspirations are ever evolving, but I am hoping to, in the near future, write a book and get a TV show on the air. A little more down the road I also intend on having a family and a kid who I can force into all the athletics I was never forced in to. I'm gonna make him an NFL punter if it kills me.

6. Another Google atonement moment.

Got this e-mail about another thing Google should atone for. It's a good one -- in all my research for that list, I never saw this...
I can't believe you didn't put up here the whole incident with "Buy slaves on Ebay.com" before they fixed that... Wow...

--Charneus (via the comments)
Here's a screenshot and, yup, it's a good one...



7. Someone's never been to UrbanDictionary...

Got this response to me including Texas and Utah's official state cooking implement, the Dutch oven, on my 11 Weakest Official State Items list...
Have you ever had dutch oven cooking? It's awesome. The wide variety of foods that are enhanced by dutch ovens is impressive.

--Gavin (via the comments)
You have a point, Gavin -- Dutch ovens really do enhance foods. A few nights ago my girlfriend was eating a snack in bed and I'm sure it tasted better when I encapsulated it (and my girlfriend) in a Dutch oven.

Yep, that's pretty much what it's like to date me.

While we're talking about my Special Lady, please check her out -- she's on the new TV show "Smash Cuts", airing every Sunday on your local CW or CBS affiliate, or on WGN if you get it. (Check your local listings.) Make sure to watch. You'll know it's her because there are five cast members and she's the only girl. But she's repeatedly assured me that, between takes, gang bang rarely break out.

8. Too... many... rip-offs

Got this one in response to my 11 Strangest Romance Novel Genres list...
There's an old book called The Romance of the mummy about an archeologist who digs up the mummy of an Egyptian princess and, from what I understand, falls in love with her sexy dried up corpse.

--Factnoid
I can't decide which movie that rips off more: "Mannequin"... or "Soccer Mummy". Soccer Mummy, you taught me to believe again! The professor said to make sure he doesn't get a boner.


Hey, if you come here for "Simpsons" references, you gotta take the obscure with the mainstream.


9. Numbering the 11 Points.

As I continue to tinker with the way I lay out my 11 Points lists, I've received many e-mails like the one below. I thought I'd try to put an end to all the mystery! Or something.
I was just wondering why you always start off your lists with #1. Normally you count down to the #1 pick right? It's like the journalistic equivalent of what my mom always said "Don't give the milk for free or else the cow will be pissed"....or something...

--Kat
I've switched up my format since this e-mail but, basically, here's my theory: If the list feels like it should be a countdown (like the Google Atonement list) then I'll do the numbers in 11 to one order. If it's a list where each point is equal, I'll number it one to 11. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it. Until at least next month.


On some lists, each of my 11 points is as important as one before. Maybe even more important! No... as important.


10. 11 Points gets someone laid!

I feel bad because, in last week's Inbox-O-Rama, I posted an e-mail from a reader who said 11 Points cost him extra credit when he tried to show it to his class and the computer froze. I said the e-mail was from Daniel. Not sure how I made that mistake, but his name is actually Bobby. So, double sorry, Bobby! I'm sending him at least two stickers.

Fortunately, this e-mail reassured me that 11 Points can also do wonderful things for today's young college students...
My friend Ashely and I are juniors in college, but Ashely's little brother Scott just started college this year and happened to be around when I was looking at this list [11 Posters From My College Days That They Still Sell Now]. He read it and loved it, but then he left and I forgot all about it.

Well, I later found out he went out and ordered all these posters to put up in his dorm room. I heard from Ashley that since he's moved in, he's enticed quite a number of girls into his room when they notice the posters and start talking to him about them. I just had to let you know that you inadvertently have helped a college freshman get some.

--Mari
Never, ever doubt the hand job inducing power of the Simpranos poster!

11. A correction about the mysterious black hand in an eHarmony ad.

One of the best things about 11 Points getting more and more reach is that, sometimes, when I talk about someone, they actually see it... and get to write me and call me an asshole. (Actually, everyone so far has been pretty nice.)

In last week's Inbox-O-Rama, I posted this eHarmony ad:



I celebrated that mysterious black hand, joyously adding it to my list of 11 Photos Where Black People Were Awkwardly Photoshopped In or Out.

So I was certainly surprised when a woman named Monica posted this on the 11 Points Facebook fan page:
Your posting about the eHarmony ad as an example where a black person has been Photo Shopped out is TOTALLY WRONG. I happen to be the girl in that eHarmony ad and I can tell you that it's MY HAND in that photo. ...you can see me and my hand in their TV commercials too.
I followed up with her to confirm, and she sent was kind enough to write me back...
yes, the guy in the ad is my husband Josh and yes, we met on eHarmony : ) those eHarmony ads and commercials have been running for almost a year. Random people stop me frequently, ask if I'm really 'that' girl, then proclaim the ads to be fake...even when Josh is standing next to me - hilarious.
So, yeah, that hand in the eHarmony ad is her hand... it's just got a ton of shadow which makes it look black. I was faked out... but at least I was corrected by the best possible authority. Now if only Beck's would contact me to settle the giant debate I've been embroiled in over the alcohol content in Beck's Premier Light.


This post was originally published on Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at 12:00:00 PM under the category Misc.

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