No tinsel.

Number of ornaments - Height in inches of the tree divided by two. (So for a six-foot tree, it would be 36 ornaments.)

Amount of tinsel - Height of the tree times five. (Six-foot tree would need 30 feet of tinsel.)

Amount of lights - Height of the tree times three. (Six-foot tree would need 18 feet of lights.)

Size of the star on top - Height of the tree divided by 10. (Six-foot tree would need a star about seven inches tall.)

Imagine this times eight, in your living room.

A partridge in a pear tree. The partridge is $15, the pear tree is $189.99.

Two turtle doves. $125, or $62.50 per dove.

Three French hens. $165, or $55 per hen.

Four calling birds. $519.96, or $129.99 each.

Five gold rings. $750, or $150 per ring.

Six geese-a-laying. $210, or $35 per goose.

Seven swans-a-swimming. This is the most expensive item on the list, $7,000, or $1,000 per swan.

Eight maids-a-milking. $58 -- or each one getting one hour of minimum wage, $7.25. You have to supply the cows, which aren't included in this price.

Nine ladies dancing. $6,294.03, or just under $700 per person.

Ten lords-a-leaping. $4,766.70, or $476.67 each.

Eleven pipers piping. $2,562, or $232.90 each.

Twelve drummers drumming. $2,775.50, or $231.30 each.

Following Sirius day and night - If they'd followed the brightest star in the sky at night, then kept walking toward where it was during the day, they would've walked south in a corkscrew pattern... and just missed Bethlehem. If they walked long enough, it would've taken them toward the South Pole.

Following Sirius only when it's visible - They would've juuust missed Bethlehem and ultimately ended up making circles around Botswana.

Following Mars - If they followed a planet, not a star, and picked Mars, they would've missed Bethlehem, ultimately made it to the Himalayas, and then stopped somewhere in western India.

Following Venus (with access to a boat) - If they'd followed Venus it would've taken them all over the world with their gifts and, deliciously, would've finally dumped them in the North Pole.

46 distribution centers where he could reload around the world. He'd need about 400,000 workers total at those centers, 180,000 workers flying presents into those centers, and 3.36 million workers driving more presents to the centers.

67,100 workers constantly tweaking and optimizing flight plans and coordinating with the FAA.

40,000 workers helping him clear customs efficiently.

500,000 workers covering HR, accounting and other support departments.

7,300,900 workers on general assignment.

"We've shown that 'holiday appropriate' music combined with congruent 'holiday scents' can influence shoppers by increasing the amount of time they spend in a store, their intention to revisit it, and intention to purchase... [especially] slower tempo music, [which] slows down shoppers."

High pain tolerance.

BB gun to the groin - Not bad. Wouldn't have had enough power to pierce Harry's (Joe Pesci) genitals through the fabric.

BB gun to the forehead - With the close range it would've broken Marv's (Daniel Stern) skin, but not pierced the skull.

Iron to the face - A four-pound steam iron dropped 15 feet directly to Marv's face would be enough to fracture the bones around the eyes, leading to potential severe disfigurement.

Burning doorknob - Since it's glowing red, it would have to be 751 degrees Fahrenheit. 155 degrees would be enough to cause third-degree burns. When Harry grabbed it, he probably would've lost his hand, or at least rendered it permanently useless.

Blowtorch to the scalp - Because Harry just takes the blowtorch for seven seconds, it would be enough to go from a second-degree burn to necrosis of the calavarium. That would mean his skull was so damaged he'd need a transplant.

Walking on Christmas ornaments - Fairly insignificant damage to Marv. Stepping on the three-inch nail was worse.

Paint can to the face Both Harry and Marv take paint cans to the face. The cans are about 10 pounds, swung on 10 feet of rope. That's enough to fracture several bones in the face, knock out teeth, and cause concussions.

Shovel to the back of the head - Somehow a light aluminum shovel knocked both of the Wet Bandits out. That's just not possible, especially with the superhuman pain tolerance they've both demonstrated.

Don't give a small gift with a big gift. A big gift looks better on its own. When you bundle it with a smaller gift, it makes the big gift look worse and the small gift is forgotten. People tend to average the prices of the gifts rather than look at them as a total. (Source)

Buy off a person's wish list. When someone gets a gift they really want, they don't care how much thought and effort went into buying it. (Source)

But... emphasize how much thought went into things. No matter what you get, try to have a thoughtful explanation behind it. Like, "I bought you this bathroom mat because I remember you once told me you heard 80,000 people slip in bathrooms every year and I remembered that." All of a sudden you just made a bathroom mat into something thoughtful. (Source)

It's ok to regift. As long as you don't regift someone a present they once gave you, most people are fine with getting a recycled gift. (Source)

Appetizer:
Smoked jellyfish and genetically-engineered salmon with chemical creme fraiche.

Main course:
Faux-turkey created with a 3-D food printer, stuffed with an insect-based sausage.
Kangaroo bacon and vegetable oil bacon.
Modified brussel sprouts made with more digestible sugars.
Hey, look -- totally regular potatoes.

Dessert:
Pie made with genetically-modified high-yield wheat, artificial sweeteners, and nuts that have been modified to eliminate allergies.