11 Things Calvin Has Never Peed On, But Should
written by Sam Greenspan

"So Sam, you're now a published author and your website just hit its three-year anniversary. What are you going to do next?"

"I figured I'd spend a night Photoshopping Calvin pissing on stuff."

1. Jellyfish stings.
   
   
   
   
   
   If you're gonna pee on something, might as well make it productive. Calvin could go around relieving people's jellyfish pain, not just befouling the Ford logo.
   
   
2. Judge Judy's leg.
   
   
   
   
   
   And while he does it, he has to tell her it's raining.
   
   
3. R. Kelly.
   
   
   
   
   
   How can you know if other people like something unless you try it yourself, right? Calvin can give him something hot and fresh out the kitchen.
   
   
4. Dennis the Menace.
   
   
   
   
   
   There can only be one! This would be the first blow in a "Highlander" battle between the two impish, towheaded cartoon boys.
   
   
5. A pregnancy test.
   
   
   
   
   
   And, if the peeing-on-pregnancy-test scene in "Juno" taught us anything it's that as Calvin pees on the pregnancy test he'll get to exchange cringeworthy dialogue with Rainn Wilson.
   
   
6. Jeffrey Lebowski's rug.
   
   
   
   
   
   Calvin cares not about really tying the room together.
   
   
7. A book on copyright infringement.
   
   
   
   
   
   Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, doesn't get a royalty every time someone slaps a Calvin peeing sticker on the back of their windshield. So in an abstract sort of way, EVERY sticker of Calvin peeing on something is really him peeing on copyright law.
   
   
8. Calvin Coolidge.
   
   
   
   
   
   Frankly, this is just bad luck by Calvin Coolidge -- one of the famous Calvins was getting the call here and it turned out to be him. I figured he was just more worthy than John Calvin and less... um... busy than Calvin Murphy.
   
   
9. Brooke Shields and her Calvins.
   
   
   
   
   
   After this incident, perhaps some detergent should come between her and her Calvins.
   
   
10. Kelvins.
    
    
    
    
    
    Absolute zero? Ha! I piss on your theoretical temperatures! (And, in the process, warm them back up and out of the theoretical range.)
    
    
11. Roy Hobbs.
    
    
    
    
    
    Calvin should pee on Roy "The Natural" Hobbs to let him know there's only one Hobbes who he respects. [Side note: Has anyone ever accused The Natural of being all roided up? I know he had his special bat, but really. Not buying it. Someone make that guy pee in a cup. Although, if he's clever, perhaps he can buy clean urine for the test. Maybe even Calvin's clean urine. Full circle!]
    
    

This list was originally published on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.
It currently has View Comments.

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