11 Points

11 Things Calvin Has Never Peed On, But Should
written by Sam Greenspan

"So Sam, you're now a published author and your website just hit its three-year anniversary. What are you going to do next?"

"I figured I'd spend a night Photoshopping Calvin pissing on stuff."
  1. Jellyfish stings.



    If you're gonna pee on something, might as well make it productive. Calvin could go around relieving people's jellyfish pain, not just befouling the Ford logo.

  2. Judge Judy's leg.



    And while he does it, he has to tell her it's raining.

  3. R. Kelly.



    How can you know if other people like something unless you try it yourself, right? Calvin can give him something hot and fresh out the kitchen.

  4. Dennis the Menace.



    There can only be one! This would be the first blow in a "Highlander" battle between the two impish, towheaded cartoon boys.

  5. A pregnancy test.



    And, if the peeing-on-pregnancy-test scene in "Juno" taught us anything it's that as Calvin pees on the pregnancy test he'll get to exchange cringeworthy dialogue with Rainn Wilson.

  6. Jeffrey Lebowski's rug.



    Calvin cares not about really tying the room together.

  7. A book on copyright infringement.



    Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, doesn't get a royalty every time someone slaps a Calvin peeing sticker on the back of their windshield. So in an abstract sort of way, EVERY sticker of Calvin peeing on something is really him peeing on copyright law.

  8. Calvin Coolidge.



    Frankly, this is just bad luck by Calvin Coolidge -- one of the famous Calvins was getting the call here and it turned out to be him. I figured he was just more worthy than John Calvin and less... um... busy than Calvin Murphy.

  9. Brooke Shields and her Calvins.



    After this incident, perhaps some detergent should come between her and her Calvins.

  10. Kelvins.



    Absolute zero? Ha! I piss on your theoretical temperatures! (And, in the process, warm them back up and out of the theoretical range.)

  11. Roy Hobbs.



    Calvin should pee on Roy "The Natural" Hobbs to let him know there's only one Hobbes who he respects. [Side note: Has anyone ever accused The Natural of being all roided up? I know he had his special bat, but really. Not buying it. Someone make that guy pee in a cup. Although, if he's clever, perhaps he can buy clean urine for the test. Maybe even Calvin's clean urine. Full circle!]


This post was originally published on Tuesday, June 14, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc.

Facebookery?
11 Garbage Pail Kids That Have the Same Names as Real People

11 Questions With Rick Detorie, Cartoonist Behind One Big Happy

11 Parodies I Made of the Obama Hope Poster

11 Funniest Real Business Names, Clean Edition

11 Combos of Boys and Girls That Lead To the Happiest Families

Archive of all Misc posts
A Ban on Everclear Grain Alcohol Is Bad News... For the Violin Industry?
A Ban on Everclear Grain Alcohol Is Bad News... For the Violin Industry?
Published Thursday, July 6, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
11 Pairs of Classic Movies That Were Surprisingly Released on the Same Day ('90-'94)
11 Pairs of Classic Movies That Were Surprisingly Released on the Same Day ('90-'94)
Published Thursday, June 22, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
11 One-Hit Wonders Whose One Hit Was a Cover
11 One-Hit Wonders Whose One Hit Was a Cover
Published Friday, June 9, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
11 Nintendo Video Game Systems, Ranked By How Many Games They Got
11 Nintendo Video Game Systems, Ranked By How Many Games They Got
Published Friday, June 2, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games
11 Songs That Just List Off a Whole Bunch of Cities
11 Songs That Just List Off a Whole Bunch of Cities
Published Friday, May 19, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
11 Coincidental Wardrobe Choices That are Evidence of Cosmic Intervention
11 Coincidental Wardrobe Choices That are Evidence of Cosmic Intervention
Published Wednesday, May 10, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc
Full Archive
Follow
11 Points

Mailing list


Twitter


Facebook


YouTube


Pinterest


RSS