11 Great Moments in Police Blotter History - Animal Edition
Published Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 03:00:00 AM
I've done one list before on 11 great moments in police blotter history. Today we go back to the glory that IS the newspaper police blotter (estimated date of death: November 2014) for another round of jaw-dropping idiocy... this time focused solely on animals.
This list was published on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 03:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics.
It currently has View Comments.
Published Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 03:00:00 AM
I've done one list before on 11 great moments in police blotter history. Today we go back to the glory that IS the newspaper police blotter (estimated date of death: November 2014) for another round of jaw-dropping idiocy... this time focused solely on animals.
- Really just a terrible day all around. So you're sitting in your basement, alone, watching a porno and masturbating. A gun-wielding maniac busts into your house... not to rob you, but instead to videotape you wailing on yourself. Then, instead of just leaving with the tape, said maniac decides to get your dog high on mushrooms... and kills him in the process.
Normally, I'd say I suspect this guy fed his dog mushrooms then tried to blame it on a made-up criminal (like the "some Puerto Rican guy" of "South Park" fame) -- but if you're going to make up a home invasion story, would you really throw in all those masturbatin' details?
- Snakes? I hate snakes. It's kinda badass when your wife starts screaming about a snake in the house and you decide to ride out your feces before you head outside with her. Hey, if the snake wants to come in the bathroom when this guy's stankin' it up, it's that snake's funeral, right?
- Elk are extremely cooperative. Unlike a-hole moose.
- Cow jailbreak! Pretty slick move by the cow breaking out of that veterinary clinic. And I'm guessing he didn't even have the clinic's blueprint tattooed on his torso. Next season, the cow's going to be on a cross-country hunt for D.B. Cooper's hidden money and the season after that the cow's going to try to break out of an even more lawless vet clinic in South America.
- The hunter has become the hunted. I hate that argument: "If hunting was really a sport the animals would have guns too." Well if NASCAR was really a sport the drivers would have to make their cars move Fred Flintstone-style.
- Just drink whatever's in the pic-i-nic basket you swipe, don't be a pretentious dick. Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear and one count of being an accessory to a bear.
- No, Tommy, he's just... uh... sleeping. But after the police left, the family got past their tears and it was the best damn Flag Day ever.
- Ducks are too damn proud. Even if you think you're fine, always let the doctors take a look. At least that's what I learned from watching Mariska Hargitay on "Law and Order: SVU".
(Also, tangent: There was a period about five or six years back where I was on a huge "SVU" kick and watched a ton of them. And it messed up my mind. One night I was at a party and someone had passed out drunk on their bedroom floor. As I walked by all I saw was feet, though... and I had a legit two-second thought process that I'd just been the random dude who stumbles onto a dead/abused/mauled body at the beginning of every "SVU". That's a sick place for your mind to be.)
- The kitten one is weirder. Yes, this clipping gets passed around because of the funny entry about people being scared of a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schawzenegger. But the entry below that about the kitten is a much weirder police blotter entry.
Note to the world: There are some reasons to call the police. Your kitten's overactive rectum is not one of them.
- So you decided to shave my dog... ... but did you really have to take my phone charger too? That's just rude.
Also, on a weird personal side note, I once had a green Jeep stolen, like in the first entry in this clipping. Could it be connected to this dog shaving in some way?
- No turtle head poking out? I think this story is really a red flag: The Ridge police department is slower than a receded turtle. That REALLY makes me want to avoid getting date raped there.
This list was published on Tuesday, September 8, 2009 at 03:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics.
It currently has View Comments.
Did you enjoy this list?
11 Points is a one-man operation that relies on word-of-mouth & repeat readers.
So please consider sharing this list using the social media icons in the box, and/or joining the 11 Points mailing list, Facebook fan page and Twitter feed.
11 Points is a one-man operation that relies on word-of-mouth & repeat readers.
So please consider sharing this list using the social media icons in the box, and/or joining the 11 Points mailing list, Facebook fan page and Twitter feed.
11 Results For the Weirdest Super Bowl XLVI Prop Bets (All Of Which I Actually Made)
Published Tuesday, February 7, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
11 Picks for NFL 2011- Super Bowl, Giants vs Patriots
Published Saturday, February 4, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category NFL Picks
11 Weirdest Super Bowl XLVI Prop Bets (All of Which I Actually Made)
Published Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
11 Kissing Games, Ranked From Most to Least Innocent
Published Friday, January 27, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games
11 Ridiculous Fast Food Chain Ripoffs In China
Published Tuesday, January 24, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
11 Picks for NFL 2011- Playoffs Week 3, Giants at 49ers
Published Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 10:00:00 PM under the category NFL Picks
Full Archive
Published Tuesday, February 7, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
11 Picks for NFL 2011- Super Bowl, Giants vs Patriots
Published Saturday, February 4, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category NFL Picks
11 Weirdest Super Bowl XLVI Prop Bets (All of Which I Actually Made)
Published Wednesday, February 1, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
11 Kissing Games, Ranked From Most to Least Innocent
Published Friday, January 27, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games
11 Ridiculous Fast Food Chain Ripoffs In China
Published Tuesday, January 24, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
11 Picks for NFL 2011- Playoffs Week 3, Giants at 49ers
Published Saturday, January 21, 2012 at 10:00:00 PM under the category NFL Picks
Full Archive
11 Points is comprised entirely of (theoretically) humorous 11-item lists covering a giant swath of topics.
It's composed entirely by this stern-
faced goon to the right. His name
is Sam. Screw Flanders.
It's composed entirely by this stern-
faced goon to the right. His name
is Sam. Screw Flanders.
11 Points Mailing List
updates, contests, exclusives
updates, contests, exclusives
(advertisement)
Friends, Bloggers and Well-Wishers
(Meaning they wish me no specific harm.)
(advertisement)
(Meaning they wish me no specific harm.)
(advertisement)
11 Points is a collection of exhaustively-researched, meticulously-written, theoretically-humorous 11-item lists, covering topics ranging from TV and movies to the Internet and video games to food and dating to politics and race relations.
It's all written by Sam Greenspan, a Midwest-born, classically-trained journalist who now tries to make a dollar out of 15 cents in Los Angeles. (It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent.)
Read more about 11 Points and Sam here.
For information about reprinting 11 Points content, or for quotes/interviews for your newspaper, magazine, website, TV program, or radio show, contact Sam via e-mail at
It's all written by Sam Greenspan, a Midwest-born, classically-trained journalist who now tries to make a dollar out of 15 cents in Los Angeles. (It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent.)
Read more about 11 Points and Sam here.
For information about reprinting 11 Points content, or for quotes/interviews for your newspaper, magazine, website, TV program, or radio show, contact Sam via e-mail at