As an adult, you probably shouldn't get a customized sports jersey with your name on the back. It's one thing to do that when you're a kid fantasizing about playin' in the big game, hittin' the game seven grand slam, fatherin' illegitimate children in every city the NBA visits. As an adult, once that dream dies in a sea of chili fries and harsh realizations about athleticism, it's time to let it go.
BUT... this isn't to say you shouldn't wear a jersey. Under certain occasions (going to games, sports bars or drinking game tournaments) it's completely cool to wear a jersey as an adult.
So I pitch this: Instead of going generic and just buying a pre-made jersey featuring a real player, customize a jersey based on a fictional sports star from a movie. That's what all the people in the list below did, and I love 'em for it.
And think about this: Everyone who gets the joke will think you're hilarious. (Sure, 100 percent of them will be guys, but still... hilarious!)
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from "Major League"
This is a completely logical one. He's one of the most memorable Cleveland Indians in "Major League". Although I've definitely seen some Roger Dorns at Indians games over the years.
And, yes, I'm an Indians fan, so I'm gonna go ahead and preempt all the inevitable "Major League is the closest you'll ever come to seeing the Indians win a World Series" comments. You just WAIT to see what the team puts on the field in three or four years. (Especially you Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies, Dodgers, Rangers, Cubs and Angels fans -- we take our job as being your farm team very seriously.)
Tanner Boyle from "Bad News Bears"
I really wish I had played on a little league team sponsored by a bail bonds company. My little league team was sponsored by a dog and cat hospital. And we had to have the jerseys reprinted because they said "Eastside Cat and Dog Hospital" instead of the correct "Eastside Dog and Cat Hospital" on the back.
I have no idea how I have that 20+-year-old memory. But, hey, I guess it's a good plug for Eastside Dog and Cat Hospital back home in Cleveland, Ohio -- thanks for sponsoring my team approximately 21 years ago!
Jackie Moon from "Semi-Pro"
There's something vaguely unsettling about this photo, which I found on a foreign eBay. Even though the girl is clearly of age, something about her pose and facial expression comes off Polanskian.
Then again, "Semi-Pro" was a pretty unsettling movie... it should've been the final piece of proof that Will Ferrell had earned too much power and needed to be reigned in by some no-men. And yet "Land of the Lost" still happened.
Scott Howard from "Teen Wolf"
The real question is: At approximately 5-foot-3, how was pre-wolf Scott Howard starting for his school's basketball team? He looks at the ball when he dribbles. He jumps when he shoots free throws (even when his arch rival is positioned directly underneath the basket).
I was going to say that kind of casting would never fly today... but I saw Zac Efron in person and I can confirm that the average height of the singin' basketball team in "High School Musical" is somewhere around 5'4.
Rod Tidwell from "Jerry Maguire"
The easiest customized jerseys are the ones where the NFL/MLB/NBA/etc. signed off and let the movie use real teams. You can just go to their stores and customize this jersey.
On that note, I love the list of words that the NFL bans from the backs of jerseys. Two highlights: You can't make a jersey with Michael Vick's number featuring the name Mexico... and you can't make a Lions jersey with the name "Owen" and the number "16".
Johnny Utah from "Point Break"
Who wouldn't want an Ohio State jersey (or, in one of the photos below, a Kansas City Chiefs jersey?) with Johnny Utah on it? The perfect jersey if you're young, dumb and full of cum... if you're ready to jump and not jerk off... or if you ever need to go buy someone two meatball sandwiches. Two!
Reggie Dunlop from "Slap Shot"
Paul Newman isn't just the guy on the salad dressing your ex-hippie aunt serves.
Adam Banks from "The Mighty Ducks"
Adam Banks definitely would've gone on to the NHL. He was the total package. Unlike Kenan Thompson's character with his knucklepuck. Some minor, minor, minor league team would've figured out a defense for that. That's what Canadians think about, from what I'm told.
Henry Rowengartner from "Rookie of the Year"
Great, great customized Cubs jersey. I'm not as high on accessorizing it with a confederate hat, though.
Shane Falco from "The Replacements"
Another Keanu Reeves homage jersey, which is cool... although, unlike all of the other jerseys on this list, 99 out of 100 people wouldn't have a freaking clue what the hell the jersey means.
I mean... really. I researched the hell out of this list. I couldn't find anyone wearing a Roy Hobbs Knights jersey, a Coop Cooper or Doug "Sir Swish" Remer Beers jersey, a Paul Blake Texas State Armadillos jersey, a Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez Dodgers jersey, a Crash Davis Durham Bulls jersey... I couldn't even find one man wearing a Jonathan Moxon West Canaan football jersey. (And, as we all know, Jonathon Moxon is only one man.)
But I found someone in a jersey from Keanu's role in "The Replacements". I'm... confused.
Ray Finkle from "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective"
I love that a kid is wearing this. I love this movie. And this has got to be the best cross-dressing movie sports jersey this side of Juwanna Mann.
This post was originally published on Thursday, October 22, 2009 at 10:00:00 AM under the category Movies.