I have never done a list of comically mistranslated, confused or otherwise botched bootleg movies. Why? Because I was sure I'd already done it. In fact, once I typed that sentence I just re-checked for the 30th time that I hadn't already put this list together sometime in the past eight years.
I guess it's just blogging deja vu. Or maybe I've traveled back to the future, like Arnold Schwarzenegger did in Star Wars.
Anyway, here are 11 amazing pictures of botched bootleg DVDs...
I'm not sure which element is calling out to me the most: The random insertion of Arnold from Predator... the very business-like tagline of "Science Fiction Perform Distinctive"... the fact that it's an "18 in 1" package which really makes me wonder where they went once they were done with the Star Wars movies... or the extra bonus bootleg addition of the faux-Apple logo.
Die Hard and Die Hard 2
Summarizing the difference between the two Die Hards as "this time he has shoes" hits awfully close to home.
Sean Connery vs. The Cock
Sure, "Cock" is what catches the eye, but the nuances are even better. Like the use of a random picture of The Rock from The Scorpion King. Or that this DVD is on top of one called "Black American Gangsters Collection." But my favorite part is that Sean Connery and The Rock were never in a movie together -- Sean Connery was in a movie CALLED The Rock, but that's where their connection ends.
"Irritating and toothless" may, in fact, have been the logline when it was pitched.
The Passion of Christ
I'm not sure how they extended it out to 3,000 minutes. Extra homemade footage? Deleted scenes? Blooper reel?
The Perfect Man
This box uses not one, but two, pull quotes from critics to help promote the movie. "The Perfect Man takes its idiotic plot and uses it as the excuse for scenes of awesome stupidity" and "It is to be endured rather than enjoyed." See, if the American version of the DVD had used those quotes, they would've been reduced to "Awesome!" and "It is to be... enjoyed." Learn how to spin, bootleggers.
50 Fist Dates
You'd think she'd be saying "no mas" before the 50th fist date. But they again, Drew Barrymore IS quirky.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
I really feel like they stole that "fairest of the mall" line from the Saved by the Bell performance of Snow White and the Seven Dorks (Or eight dorks, if you count Studly.)
I never saw J. Edgar but I'm 100 percent sure not a single bit of this cover art comes from it or appropriately fits the plot, tone or story. (And I'm 95 percent sure it never came out on HD DVD.)
"You find yourself trying too hard to make the film work." I'm going to say "ouch" on behalf of this movie I've never heard of.
The Matrix Reloaded
Well, as offensive as that tagline is, it very well may be what that movie was about. It's as good a theory as any.
This post was originally published on Tuesday, August 9, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies.