11 Points

The Wedding -inger
written by Sam Greenspan

Over the past three days, I randomly watched both The Wedding Singer and The Wedding Ringer. (For the former, I was in a hotel room flipping through channels and got to The Wedding Singer just as Jon Lovitz was on screen, which meant I was in. For the latter, I have a friend who's a big Kevin Hart fan and I went with him to see The Wedding Ringer last night before it is removed from theaters and never spoken of again.)



I know Hollywood enjoys its spin-offs and proven commodities, so, in that spirit, I have several "Wedding -inger" movies I'd like to pitch. I am available to talk whenever, but after reading these, I'm assuming you'll have to take a number.

The Wedding Binger - A down-on-his-luck SEO expert tries to harness the power of the world's second-most popular search engine to find clients That Special Someone. But things change when he bumps into the girl of his dreams at a flower shop and it turns out she works for Google.

The Wedding Clinger - Madison is a twentysomething who thinks she has it all: Great job, great friends and Mr. Right. But things change when he abruptly dumps her for being "too clingy." Can a down-on-her-luck Madison find a second chance at love by escalating her clinginess, rather than hiding it? Her handsome coworker Tyler -- who she's just friends with, of course -- has his doubts, although he is seeing an interesting change in her.

The Wedding Dinger - A down-on-his-luck Mark McGwire (aka standard Mark McGwire) shows up at questionable and/or doomed weddings to sock some home runs to distract people from objecting to the union.

The Wedding Finger - Rob Schneider is a talking ring finger in a high-concept comedy about weddings from the perspective of the groom's hand. You'll never believe the places that finger winds up! (Spoiler alert: Animal rectums galore.)

The Wedding Ginger - A red-haired man finds his off-putting appearance can deflect negative attention from ugly grooms and starts a service where he'll be a groomsman for a price. But he gets more then he bargained for when something happens.

The Wedding Hinger - A totally hip twentysomething teaches down-on-their-luck singles how to use the Tinder alternative Hinge in a movie that's totally not just advertorial content.

The Wedding Jinger - When a down-on-his-luck wedding singer accidentally creates a catchy jingle for a couple and it "goes viral," he finds the new market of wedding jingles can make him rich -- until he gets more than he bargained for.

The Wedding Kinger - If a prince needs to find a bride (not a commoner, obvi) so he can ascend to the throne, he seeks out help from the Wedding Kinger. But when a prince does fall for a commoner, the Wedding Kinger faces his toughest challenge yet.

The Wedding Linger - Dave Dornson will hang at your wedding until the very end to make sure the party never totally empties out, even if you're down on your luck. But what happens at one wedding when he's called away for an emergency something-or-other at two minutes before the final dance ends?

The Wedding Minger - A pubic hair artist can make your special day even more special, in this dark Operation: Desert Storm satire where Edward Scissorhands meets The King's Speech.

The Wedding Ninger - It's basically just 90 minutes of a guy explaining that you're the racist for thinking that.

The Wedding Pinger - A down-on-his-luck computer hacker tests couples' Internet connections before they're married to make sure everything is perfect for their many nights of Netflix in the future. But he gets more than he bargained for when he encounters a couple using Time Warner.

The Wedding Tinger - Ever get those tingles at a wedding? So does this character played by Melissa McCarthy. The character also does a lot of pratfalls.

The Wedding Vinger - After a series of career missteps, actor Ving Rhames finds himself down on his luck and starts a service where he'll show up at your wedding to make it cool. But what happens when he shows up at a wedding and it's not quite that cool?

The Wedding Winger - New Girl's Jake Johnson plays the consummate wingman -- bring him to a wedding with you and you KNOW you'll score!!! But what happens when he attends a wedding and meets the girl of his dreams? Will he break the Wingman's Code, which we'll display on screen using funky graphics that make heavy use of words like "bro" and stilted military references?

The Wedding Yinger - What do you do when you're a single woman (pushing THIRTY) who always leaves weddings feeling like she's the yin to the groom's yang? You push that feeling away, that's what. But what happens when she goes to one wedding and can't? (Also, the Ying Yang Twins have a cameo as wedding DJs. Movies think it's hilarious when wedding montages feature celebrities wearing yarmulkes, so we'll go with that.)

The Wedding Zinger - Larry is always great for a laugh at weddings -- good thing, too, since he's down on his luck in his comedy career. But what happens when he goes to a wedding and makes the wrong zing and the bride murders him?


This post was originally published on Monday, February 9, 2015 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies.

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