Because I'm super hip, I was recently listening to my self-curated Spotify playlist of Meat Loaf classics and I found myself really fixating on one -- I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That). As I listened to those seven minutes and 40 seconds of chocolate over and over I found myself focusing what he says he will and won't do for love. Then I actually started writing them down.
By my final calculations, there are 19 things he says he would do for love and between six and eight things he won't do for love.
(I say "between six and eight" because it depends on your interpretation of the lines: "I know the territory, I've been around. It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, and sooner or later, you'll be screwing around. I won't do that." Do turning to dust, falling down, and screwing around all count as one thing or three separate things? These are the questions that keep me up at night.)
(Also, in the 19 things he would do for love, I'm not counting the nebulous "anything"... and in the six to eight things he won't do for love, I'm not counting "that." I'm only counting specifics.)
OK. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's jump into the 11 most extreme things Meat Loaf will do for love, in order.
Objects in my hand may appear closer than they are.
Make me some magic with your own two hands. I don't think there's an expectation here of actual magic -- "Accio opera rock ballads!" -- by the letter of the law, she's really only asking for basic magic. Couple of card tricks, maybe produce a never-ending string of multicolored handkerchiefs tied together -- and he's got this. The only reason it ranked ahead of the things that didn't even make the top 11 (e.g. "give me something I can take home," "help me down," and "take a vow and seal a pact") are because it would probably take him a few days to achieve the necessary proficiency in those magic tricks before he could do them. Do them for love.
Make it all a little less cold. Assuming she just wants him to turn up the thermostat -- or the metaphorical thermostat in her icy heart -- then this shouldn't be too tough. If she wants him to actually make it less cold outside, that would bump up the challenge significantly. Meat Loaf can pack a pretty picnic but he can't predict the weather.
Raise me up. Look, if Josh Groban can do it, Meat Loaf can certainly do it. Josh Groban wakes up every day wishing he were Meat Loaf.
Colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this one. I think I get the metaphor but I'm not sure what it would take to fulfill it. I stuck it at number eight because it would require some strategic follow-up questions before execution.
Never lie to you (and that's a fact). See, he got off to such a good start on the "no lying" thing that he even reiterated it right after promising never to lie by saying that's a fact. Although that does make me a little suspicious; like perhaps the Loaf doth protest too much? Still, I think he can pull this off. I ranked it seventh because, while it's totally within his control and requires no supernatural powers, eradicating all of the tiny little lies might take a bit of effort and tenacity.
Get me right out of this godforsaken town. Doable. But logistically complicated. House hunting in a less godforsaken town, dealing with the escrow, packing up all the stuff, getting the kids enrolled in a new school district, changing the address on all their magazine subscriptions -- it's certainly going to preclude him from doing a lot of the other things he'd do for love while he's handling that mountain of paperwork.
Hose me down with holy water if I get too hot. This one's a purely financial issue. Using his connections I'm sure Meat Loaf can gain discounted access to the quantity of holy water necessary for a hose down.
Cater to every fantasy I've got. Some fantasies, sure. 90 percent of her fantasies? There's an outside chance. But EVERY fantasy? Meat Loaf is only one man. If we were just talking sexual fantasies, I'm sure he'd be fine. But these fantasies could include things like "seeing the Aurora Borealis" or "hunting the most dangerous game" -- and that certainly ups the challenge by several orders of magnitude.
Build an emerald city with these grains of sand. Ever tried doing sand art? It tests even the most patient person. Trying to go freehand sand art to recreate a scene from the Wizard of Oz? And with a specific subset of sand, NOT any old sand? She's got to be out of her mind.
Make it all a little less old. Meat Loaf is a wonderful and powerful man, but turning back time seems ambitious for him. Still, if Superman and Cher could do it, maybe he'd figure it out. Probably not, but I still think the odds are better than...
Run right into hell and back. Do you know how hard it is to get into hell and get out? There are only like 17 Greek myths where people did it successfully. And sure, only like 21 myths where people tried, but still -- when Greek gods and heroes only bat .809, can we really put money on the Loaf?
This post was originally published on Tuesday, April 22, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music.