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written by Sam Greenspan

Don’t stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

Don’t stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

1 | Makes you realize that any time you’re in a jam your mother will be by your side.

2 | Helps you understand prayer is not a cure-all — praying to keep out of trouble won’t inherently make it so — but rather just one square in the tapestry of self-actualization.

3 | Sparks your entrepreneurial spirit, driving you to go out and make money the best way you know how.

4 | You get to have sex so good your body can barely handle it.

5 | Spectacular advances in modern medicine have made the three letters “HIV” less of an immediate path to your final resting place.

6 | Your life becomes 10 shades of gray, just 40 away from all sorts of lite bondage adventures.

7 | Your faith can undo any chances you blow.

(Sure, that may contradict the whole “prayer is not a cure-all” thing from earlier, but what can ya do?)

8 | If chasing waterfalls makes you cry, just hope for a day when the skies are clear blue.

That will either dry your tears or give you someone to cry with — win-win!

9 | You can always “claim the insane” if you get into legal trouble.

It works like 55 percent of the time when someone tries it on SVU, so that’s pretty good.

10 | You stay grounded, recognizing dreams are hopeless aspirations and the path to genuine success is believing in yourself.

11 | KEWL SELFIES!!!