11 of Ludacris's Sexual Fantasies That Are Just Too Damn Unrealistic

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11 of Ludacris's Sexual Fantasies That Are Just Too Damn Unrealistic
Posted Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 02:01:00 AM - Single-page view

Yesterday, the classic Ludacris song "What's Your Fantasy?" came on my iTunes and, for some reason, the lyrics sunk in more than usual.

If you don't know the song "What's Your Fantasy?" by Ludacris, here it is. But you won't really need to know the song to "get" this list.

Over the course of the song, I counted a list of about two dozen of his different sexual fantasies (along with some potential fantasies that the lady he's courting might have), give or take a few. Some of them are simple and fairly common -- rose petals on silk sheets, sauna, back row at the movies and, of course, in the backseat, windows up.

Some of the other ones seem highly improbable though. Too risky, too public, too illegal, too dangerous -- all in all, just too damn unrealistic. I've pulled out the 11 fantasies he lists that seem much, much too implausible to actually pull off. Here they are, in order from kinda unrealistic to insanely unrealistic.

"In the public bathroom." I just don't see anyone actually having the fantasy of sex in a public bathroom. Because, as you well know, public bathrooms are, unilaterally, disgusting. I just don't know how you can get in the mood when you're both in a stall with a dirt-streaked metal door, only a shard of toilet paper on the roll, other people's week-old mess festering in the toilet, swastikas carved into the walls, a small pool of oddly colored liquid trickling toward your feet, stray urine droplets on the toilet ~~(men's room only)~~, and the smell. Oh the smell. It's just so... ripe in there.

I gauge good spots for sex like this: If I think I might catch lupus merely by taking in a deep breath, it's just not going to work.
"In the garden all in the dirt." The vagina is a delicate ecosystem that can be thrown all akimbo by even the tiniest change. So having sex in a garden, with dirt getting everywhere... not to mention manure-infused dirt and/or fertilizer too... seems like a guaranteed vaginal infection.

It's a big risk to have sex with a lady "all in the dirt" of a garden. To convince her to do it, you'd have to give her some serious carats. (The puns are back! The puns are back!)
"What about up in the candy sto'? That chocolate, chocolate, make it melt." Well this just has "major health code violation" written all over it. Your store's grade will drop from an "A" to a "C" faster than you can say "move bitch, get out the way."

What self-respecting candy sto' owner is going to let two people have dirty sex on top of his chocolate? Every single piece of his inventory will be tarnished and will have to be replaced!

I mean... it's like Ludacris doesn't even remember what happened when Augustus Gloop fell in the chocolate river.
"We can do it in the White House." He wrote this line years before Obama was president... which now gives him an outside shot at getting an invitation to stay at the White House. We all know, if asked, Obama would say he likes Ludacris, because that's what Obama thinks he's supposed to say.

During the Bush years, there was no way Ludacris was getting an invitation to stay at the White House... and this would've moved way down the list toward implausibility. But now that my president is black and my Lambo is blue, this line has become more plausible.
"Horseback and I'll get my reins." Logistically speaking, I think it'd be too dangerous and too cumbersome to do it on horseback. That's like trying to have sex on a narrow balance beam, but that balance beam has the potential to buck, run or jump at any moment.

If my few horseback riding misadventures have taught me anything, the balance beam will also be dropping a constant supply of ill-smelling feces and will not stick to walking the proper path if you're not constantly guiding and coaxing it. Doesn't seem like a very safe, practical or feasible spot for sex.
"In the library on top of books, but you can't be too loud." OK. Here's why I'm not on board with this one.

You know how in movies and on TV, you see a man and a woman on a date, not getting along, then one of them says one clever thing, they make loaded eye contact, and the movie cuts right into them busting through a front door, making out, fighting to rip each others' clothes off. There's a scene in "Along Came Polly" that's a perfect example.

Well... that's a fun thought in theory, but it's completely improbable. That omits all of the unsexy time between the eye contact and the sex. Like paying the check at a restaurant or saying goodbyes at a party... waiting for the valet or a cab... the drive home, including agonizingly slow red lights... finding the keys to get into the building... oooh, really quick, let me see if I got any mail... and THEN bursting in the door, throbbing with passion.

That's an ultra-long explanation of why I don't think Luda's library fantasy is plausible... and it's only the first half of this piece of mind vomit.

So Luda's out with a woman and says, "Wanna go do it in the library?" She says, "OK, I mean, I did love your performance in 'Fred Claus'." So they start laughing, then hop in the car, then get to the library, then walk to a secluded back area... and just as she's ready to go, he says, "Wait, we should do it on top of books."

She's on board because it's h-h-h-his fan-ta-SEE and she wants him to be happy, so they start grabbing books off shelves, stacking them up, trying to make the stack relatively even so it won't be too uncomfortable on her (or his) back. "I need a big book to balance out this side, go grab some Dostoevsky." "Should we put a book with a slick jacket around the genital area... ya know, so we don't water stain a book cover?" "I don't feel right having sex on top of 'The Giving Tree'."

Now it's 15 minutes later, they've made a huge ruckus, drawn way too much suspicion, and any spur-of-the-moment horniness has long since evaporated (literally and figuratively).

And THAT'S why I don't think it's plausible to have sex in a library on top of books. Sincerely, Sam Greenspan.