11 of Ludacris's Sexual Fantasies That Are Just Too Damn Unrealistic

Updates when new 11 Points go live, plus exclusives, contests & more! (And no spam EVER.)

E-mail address:

Archive Popular Random About Contact Mail List Facebook Twitter RSS

11 of Ludacris's Sexual Fantasies That Are Just Too Damn Unrealistic (part 2)
Posted Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 02:01:00 AM - Single-page view

"We can do it in the pouring rain, running the train." In the pouring rain, that's logical... it's a simple enough fantasy that any giving sex partner will happily agree to indulge it.

But talking her into pulling a train during that thunderstorm? Now you're really asking for too much. I envision the conversation as such:
"Hey, baby, can we have sex out there when it's pouring? I want to be like John Cusack."

"Oh, of course, if that's what you want, baby."

"Aww, you're the greatest. Thank you!"

"No problem!"

"Oh... and when we're done, will you stand out in the rain for another two hours and let nine of my friends bang you too?"

[Dial tone]
And... scene.
"Up on the roof (roof), tell your boyfriend not to be mad at me." If you're going to have sex with a girl who's got a boyfriend, you shouldn't do it on the roof. Where's your common sense? On the roof, you have absolutely no escape route if the boyfriend busts in and catches you. He's gonna murder you, or you're gonna have to jump. There's no other alternative.

If you're going to have sex with a girl who's got a boyfriend, do it in someplace where you can easily escape, like in a subway station or a hall of mirrors.
"We can do it on stage of the Ludacris concert, 'cause you know it got sold out." I once saw a video of 2 Live Crew having sex with a bunch of groupies on stage during a concert, so this isn't totally implausible. But Ludacris isn't 2 Live Crew. With his career trajectory he's much more likely to be the next Will Smith than the next Luther Campbell.

Also, if his concert is sold out, the fans are probably going to want to hear him rap, not all just stand there watching him have sex. It might be cool at first but eventually, people are going to start shouting "Come on, dude, we know you have hoes in this area code. You have hoes in every area code! Have sex with them later and do 'Number One Spot'!"
"On the red carpet, dick could just roll out." I just don't see Ludacris getting out of a limo, walking onto a red carpet, rolling out his genitals and having sex right there in front of everyone. Though if he did, it would finally justify the thousands of hours of inane, boring, pointless and masturbatory red carpet shows that networks have insisted on airing over the past four decades.
"In the Georgia Dome on the 50-yard line while the Dirty Birds kick for t'ree." This stands as Ludacris's most ambitious and unattainable sexual fantasy. To get on the field during a Falcons game, head to the 50-yard-line and have sex... all while the Falcons are trying to kick a field goal... well, it just doesn't seem like there's any way that could happen.

Even with Ludacris's celebrity status (especially in Atlanta), I don't think he makes it past two thrusts before security is grabbing him and Roddy White's like "Damn, Luda was hittin' that!" and Matt Ryan's like "Who is that guy?" and Tony Gonzales is like "Gee whiz, fellas, can't we get back to the game?" and Jason Elam is like "I love kicking for a dome team, but I didn't know Ludacris was going to be having sex on the field during my kicks" and Michael Vick is watching on TV and saying "Man, that was cool. I wish I was still in Atlanta. Luda's my dog."