11 Hip-Hop Lyrics That Are Supposed To Be Romantic But Fail Miserably

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11 Hip-Hop Lyrics That Are Supposed To Be Romantic But Fail Miserably
Posted Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 12:00:00 PM - Single-page view

I got the idea for this post when, gloriously, the Jagged Edge song "Let's Get Married" randomly played on my iPod. (To be explained during its entry in this list.)

I went through pretty much all of the hip-hop and R&B in my collection to find parts of songs that are supposed to be sweet, romantic, charming, whatever... but epicly fail.

There are no lines about fat asses on my list, because, even though I'd never compliment someone that way, many people do. No, all of these lines find other ways to be ridiculously un-romantic.

Jagged Edge in "Let's Get Married"

Meet me at the alter in your white dress,
We ain't gettin' no younger girl,
So we might as well do it.
Been feelin' you all the while, girl,
I must confess.
Girl let's just get married,
I just wanna get married.

There are many, many romantic things you can say during a marriage proposal. "We ain't getting no younger girl, so we might as well do it" is not one of them. In fact, it's a perfect antonym to romance.

I'm pretty sure no woman's dream proposal has included the guy reminding her that her ovaries are drying up, she's been in the relationship too long to get started over on finding a guy, and I'm not super excited to marry you but we "might as well" get this shit over with.

We ain't gettin' no younger girl, so we might as well do it.

John Legend in "Number One"

Now you can't say, I don't love you,
Just because I cheat on you.
'Cause you can't see, all I do,
To keep you from knowin' the things I do.
Like erase my phone, and keep it out of town,
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around.
Well I shoulda known one day you'd find out,
But you can't go and leave me now.

This is a fascinating mentality. John Legend romantically explains that his nonstop cheating on his girl isn't a problem because (1) he works super duper hard to keep her from knowing (2) he vigilantly clears his phone of messages from other women (3) he only cheats in other cities and (4) he always wears a condom when he cheats.

You know what'd be an even better way to show her you love her? NOT CHEATING ON HER.

Lil Wayne's rap in Jay Sean's "Down"

Don't you ever leave the side of me,
And definitely, not probably,
And honestly, I'm down like the economy.
Talking about how shitty the economy is isn't hot. And while it paints a vivid picture of just how much Lil Wayne is down for this girl... he's so down for her he's killin' off investment banks... sexy and the recession are in non-overlapping circles in the Venn diagram of sexiness.

Ne-Yo's verse in Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down"

I used to be commander and chief of my pimp ship, flying high,
'Til I met this pretty little missile,
Shot me out the sky.
Hate to know I'm crashin',
Don't know how it happened,
But I know it feels so damn good.
Said if I could go back and make it happen faster,
Don't you know I would baby if I could.
Miss Independent to the fullest,
The load never too much,
She helpin' me pull it.
She shot the bullet,
That ended that life.
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight, girl.

Singing about how you used to be such a stud and never thought you'd become madly in love with a woman isn't new. Some people have done it very well (Jaheim in "Never" is the best example). Ne-Yo does it miserably here.

There are only so many times you can draw a comparison between a relationship and being murdered before you cross the line from romantic to not-so-subtly miserable. I think Ne-Yo hasn't quite finished his single phase yet. Man oh man oh man.

Sean Kingston in "Take You There"

We can go to the tropics,
Sip piña coladas,
Shorty I could take you there.
Or we can go to the slums,
Where killers get hung,
Shorty I could take you there.
Nope. A romantic trip to Jamaica does not include visiting the slums and/or watching a public execution. It's about taking an air conditioned town car past all of the poverty, shaking your head and saying "Man, that's terrible" and then forgetting about it by the time you get to the beach.

Estelle in "American Boy"

He said "Hey sista, it's really really nice to meet ya."
I just met this 5-foot-7 guy who's just my type.
Like the way he's speakin',
His confidence is peakin',
Don't like his baggy jeans but I'ma like what's underneath 'em.

Don't let the last line fool you, she's not playing hard to get and being seductively coy... she's being bitchy. I'm somewhere between 5'7 and 5'8. And I assure you that no woman has ever, EVER mentioned my height in a complimentary way.