In late 1993, Salt-N-Pepa and En Vogue released a single called Whatta Man. (Although Salt-N-Pepa do the heavy lifting; En Vogue is there for the chorus and the chorus only.) The song was a big success, becoming a top three hit. (Behind only Sheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do and Montell Jordan's This Is How We Do It. Apparently they should've put "Do" in the title.)
I randomly found myself singing it recently with improvised parody lyrics for my baby. I sing hundreds of songs with improvised parody lyrics for my baby. It's one of the things you do with a baby. (These went "Whatta baby whatta baby whatta baby whatta might cute baby, yes he is" and that's about as far as I got.)
Anyway, that led me down a Whatta Man spiral and into a real look at its lyrics. Its ridiculous lyrics.
During the course of the song, Salt-N-Pepa detail 33 specific qualities that make up a mighty, mighty good man. I broke them all out and ranked them by their difficulty to achieve. Consider this the checklist to becoming a mighty, mighty good man (at least based on what Salt, Pepa, and, I guess, Spinderella and En Vogue were looking for 23 years ago).
Here are the 33 qualities, ranked from most to least difficult to achieve.
He always got a gift for me every time I see him. At some point, you'd go broke doing this one. Plus, how cluttered would your house get?
A body like Arnold. This one requires a mix of a full-time bodybuilding schedule and the genetics to pull it off. Tough standard.
Gives me goose pimples with every single touch. Giving goosebumps on some touches? Sure. Most touches? There's an outside chance. Every touch? I'd like to see that.
From seven to seven he's got me open like 7-Eleven. Twelve hours of daily intercourse seems like an unattainable goal, especially since we're only 4/33rds of the way into the song and you're already on the hook for a bodybuilding and gift acquiring schedule.
With a Denzel face. In other words... be very handsome. That seems tough to attain if you weren't born that way, but the plastic surgery option makes it slightly more feasible than the others above.
He's smart like a doctor with a real good rep. Being smart like a doctor is hard enough, but the stakes are raised even more. Gotta have that "real good rep" too. Not a doctor with a bunch of malpractice lawsuits pending or bad scores on HealthGrades.
Smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass.
Always has heavy conversation for the mind. Ooh, I fail miserably at this one. Considering the most intense conversation I had with my wife yesterday was about which variety of Baskin-Robbins' new Polar Pizza looked the most delicious. (Obviously the Oreo one.)
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night. This is tough, because it really depends on a lot of external factors beyond your control. It's like the Win statistic for a pitcher in baseball. Like, what if you have sexual relations right after she drank three Red Bulls? Or she's trying to stay up to see James Cordon do Carpool Karaoke with Russell Crowe plus a special cameo from Demi Lovato? Then the sex won't knock her out for the rest of the night, but it's hardly your fault.
Tryin' to rush me good and touch me in the right spot.
A lover and a fighter and he'll knock a knucker (?) out. I think it's slightly harder to beat up another dude (a "knucker," apparently, according to every lyrics site) than to metaphorically get the sexual knockout. But I've spent my life doing everything I can to avoid getting into any physical altercations so I'm just speculating.
Not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller.
Takes his time and does everything right.
A real smooth brother, never in a rush. Getting a little redundant.
When he comes home he's relaxed. Who could be relaxed with all this pressure?
Even in jeans he's a God-sent original. So when you wear jeans, still look unique. Like put a macaw on your shoulder or wear an inside-out sportcoat or something.
Keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps. This one is purely metaphorical.
He's got the right potion. This one isn't even metaphorical, it's just words.
Gives real loving.
Dresses like a dapper don. Note to aspiring mighty, mighty good men: Google "Dapper don" to get reference.
Somebody that can make me laugh. "(Ha ha ha) You so crazy I think I wanna have your baby." Is this the origin of the myth that the most important quality in a guy is his sense of humor?
Don't take him for a sucker cuz that's not what he's about.
With him I'm never losin'. So you have to let her win at Monopoly and, like, miniature golf and such. That might be tough with your competitive nature, but it's doable.
Every time I need him, he always got my back.
Never ran a corny line once. This is pretty easy. As long as you don't use a bad pickup line on the first meeting, you can probably ride it out without being corny from that point on. ("Hey Pepa, want me to be your Kosher salt?")
Secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man.
It's me that he's always choosin'. If you don't always choose your wife or girlfriend over other women, you probably aren't a mighty, mighty good man.
Not a fake wannabe tryin' to be a pimp. Can you handle not pretending to be a pimp? I would speculate yes.
Spends quality time with his kids when he can. Just "when he can." So if you're busy, screw those kids and it's still all good.
Says he loves me, never says he loves me not. I can safely say everyone in a solid relationship should be able to avoid saying, "I love you not."
He knows that my name is not Susan. I know it's a reference to a Whitney Houston song and it was just used for a rhyme (with "choosin'") -- but still, knowing your significant other's name is a very low bar.
He flows on the down low, 'cause I never heard about him with another girl. Got that? The edict isn't "don't cheat on me," it's "if you do cheat on me, don't get caught." I'm pretty sure even a mighty, mighty awful man can pull that one off.
This post was originally published on Thursday, July 7, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music.