11 Deep Questions About Black People From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers

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11 Deep Questions About Black People From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers
Posted Monday, February 1, 2010 at 06:30:00 AM

It's February, which means Black History Month. And what better way to unify people of all races, I say, than to band together to laugh at, cry for and mock on(?) a collection of ignorant fools?

I've gone after society's accidental racism/ignorance/sloppiness before -- in posts like 11 Accidentally Racist Product and Company Names, 11 Photos Where Black People Were Awkwardly Photoshopped In or Out and 11 Unbelievably Insensitive (and Often Racist) Holiday Advertisements

I've gone after the brain trust at Yahoo Answers before -- in posts like 11 Deep Questions About Judaism From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers, 11 Stupid Questions From Yahoo Answers That Have Changed My Life and 11 Prank-Themed Posts From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers. So it only felt natural to combine those two beloved list genres into one.

Here are 11 unfortunate questions about black people, taken word-for-word from Yahoo Answers. As always, I tried to avoid the most trolling questions (you can imagine) as well as questions that were clearly fake. So sit back, take a read and remember: Most people do not think this way. I hope.

The ghost of Reagan.
Why are black people afraid of dogs and ghosts?
I was researching this and these are the top 2 fears of black people. Strangely, one of the other top fears was Ronald Reagan. Do you know what that means?
I know that it means if Ronald Reagan and Rex suddenly slime through the wall of a black person's house they're going to lose their shit. That won't be Reagonomics trickling down their leg. (And... scene.)
Is it true that once you go black, you never go back?
I have this thing for black guys, but I'm scared that I'll never want honkies if I go all the way with a black guy.
I need to applaud the use of "honkies" here -- in my hours of searching for these questions I saw a LOT of racial epithets being bandied around, but this was the only occurrence of "honkies." That alone was why I chose this specific question about "once you go black, you never go back" out of the, literally, hundreds of people who asked this very same thing.

(The general consensus on Yahoo Answers seems to be yes, you CAN go back once you go black. This phrase is nothing but an old wives' tale, like "wait 30 minutes after you eat to go swimming" or "everyone's special.")

I also searched the phrase "black don't crack" -- because I was positive someone at Yahoo Answers was going to say, "I dont get the phrase black dont crack arent black people the ones who use crack cocaine the most? im not trying to be racest to keep you're criticisms to yourself, k? :)" But no one did. Good for you, citizens of Yahoo Answers. Good for you.
Racist who say that black people have pubes on their heads. Not so much a question, per se, but I'm curious where she's going with this.
I wish I had "my pubic hair" on my head. It is much better than my head hair. It is actually straighter and more manageable. It grows at a normal rate and doesn't ever break off. My head hair is impossible to do anything with. But I would never get a perm or straighten my hair. I think that makes my hair look even worse.
Is there a reverse merkin -- a wig for the head made out of pubic hair? and how long do you have to let your pubic hair grow before you can ascertain its manageability? Three, four, five inches?
Do you know what I am saying?
Why some black people say "you know what i'm saying" every other sentence?. Yes, I know what you are saying. You don't have to keep asking me. (Butters as a pimp = the best "South Park" of the season, possibly the best of the past three or four years.)
My girlfriend watches black porn and i dont know why? I've got a hunch. Let's read the rest...
My girlfriend and I have been together 2 years now. We are both white and both 21. She has always looked at black people in the street and stuff when we were out and ive always put it down to her being curious. When i was at her house the other night i looked in her internet history and she has been watching porn with black guys. She said she likes to see the girls on them and their reactions. She said she loves me and its just something that turns her on. I dont really know what to make of it all and i feel quite jealous.
Well, I have the perfect solution for you. Just do what the next guy did...
Is it a bad idea to color my penis with a black sharpie marker?.
I've been thinking about coloring my entire penis, with a black sharpie marker. Is it a bad idea? I just want to add, that I'm not mentally ill, and I'm doing it for my own purposes, which are extremely normal. and I'm just looking to see whether I would get ink poisoning or not.
As I read through the questions last night, the stereotype questions seemed to be split about 50-50 positive black stereotypes-negative black stereotypes. (That is, of course, operating under the assumption that a stereotype can be positive, which some would say is paradoxical.)

As I went down the path of "positive" stereotypes -- like good athletes, good at music, better skin, more religious, larger genitalia -- I found this sub-sub-section of people who were trying to turn themselves black. There weren't that many, but there was a critical mass.

Well, I've got some bad news for this guy (and I'm hoping he finds this site to get said news). If you draw on your penis with black Sharpie, and do find yourself getting intimate with a woman, her reaction to your attempted metamorphosis is not going to be, "Oh my, look at your huge black penis!" Sadly, her reaction is going to be, "If a guy is dumb enough to draw on his penis with a Sharpie, hey, look over there!" And when you do look, she'll be running out of the house like she's being chased by Michael Myers. (Or, if it's a black woman, like she's being chased by our 40th president.)
Did black people evolve to be good musicians? Alright, this seems like a decent question. Perhaps the asker will learn a valuable lesson about stereotypes, culture AND the concept of evolution. She continues...
because in Africa most black societies spent most of their time dancing and making music instead of doing any real work or creating civilization?
Ohhhh. Never mind. Flat-out racist. But at least she's less racist than the person who asked another evolution question -- Did black people really evolve from poop?

Remember in the intro how I said these questions would make you laugh, cry and/or mock? These two evolution questions put me squarely in the "cry for humanity" zone.
Bigfoot.
Why do white people always say they saw Bigfoot but black people dont see him?
Have you ever noticed when watching TV all the people are white and they claim to have seen bigfoot in the woods?
This one actually made me laugh out loud. I love an attempt at a black stereotype that ends up inadvertently calling up a white stereotype.
Do black people need to sleep the same way a white person needs sleep?
If so what do black people sleep on?
They'd better not be sleeping on the West coast, that's for damn sure. A few weeks ago I heard a DJ say this is our decade.
How did black people come from Adam and Eve if Adam and Eve were white?
People say that everybody comes from Adam and Eve but how is that possible if we have blacks in the world since Adam and Eve were both white?
Putting aside, for a moment, the creationism v. science aspect of this question -- this theory crumbles under the weight of the "Adam and Eve were white" postulate.

Were Adam and Eve black? According to the Bible they had incredible body confidence, defied The Man and his rules, got kicked out of a country club and liked ribs. Think about THAT.

(Note: When I say stuff like that, it's funny, because I "get" it. When the Yahoo Answers people say it, it's not funny because they don't. Right? OK? Anyone? Moving on.)
Are there African-Americans in other countries like Europe?
Idk i was just wondering if there are other african americans in other places like fance and stuff.
Ah, the delightful intersection of political correctness and a misunderstanding of very basic English. It's like going out for some naan and tandoori chicken because you want Native American food... or when a group of firefighters are able to mentally challenge a fire.