Last year, I did a list of the most ridiculous criminals of 2011 and there were some true classics: The man with half a face, the guy who burned down his apartment trying to use alchemy to turn feces to gold, the first cousins who got into a fight over defining their relationship, the man who hated A.C. Slater.
I'm happy -- or, perhaps on a broader level, deeply saddened -- that 2012 also had a stunning array of mind-boggling criminals. Here are my 11 picks for the most ridiculous criminals of 2012, roughly in chronological order.
The code "K9" doesn't fool anyone.
The woman pictured above is attractive. Which makes this story even more surprising. In February, the woman, 33-year-old Sarah Walker of Queen Creek, Arizona, and her husband, 38-year-old Shane Walker, were busted after putting an ad up on Craigslist looking for a dog... to have a threesome with them.
They posted the ad in the Casual Encounters section with the thinly veiled headline "Wife looking for a K9." Someone alerted the cops -- when your deviance offends the people trolling the Casual Encounters section you know you've crossed a line -- and Sarah and Shane were arrested in a sting. They ended up pleading guilty to conspiracy to commit bestiality and got probation and fines. And their two Pomeranians were (wisely) taken away. (Source)
This is the idiot criminal equivalent of beautiful poetry. In February, 41-year-old Kevin Brann of Hobe Sound, Florida, was driving very drunk (.40 BAC). And while he drove drunk, he was using a sex toy on his rectum. Because why wouldn't you?
And while Kevin manipulated his own rear end... he rear-ended another driver.
As he was being taken to jail, the plug fell out of him and he ended up soiling himself in the police car. If that'd made the cops get so distracted they, like, plowed into a mound of soil, that would've been an even better epilogue. (Source)
The precious cargo.
This is the best dumb criminal photo of the year and needs little explanation. In May, a woman in Aurora, Colorado (whose name wasn't released) was pulled over for making an illegal left turn. The cops found her gas can securely fastened in the car seat -- and her young child next to it, not in a car seat OR even wearing a seatbelt. Something something something GAS PRICES!!1! (Source)
The day Huck Finn fought back.
You'll never believe it, but people inclined to burn books just might not be that bright.
In May, 25-year-old Joshua Hughes of Lincoln, Nebraska hid inside a library at the University of Nebraska to burn books after it closed. He set three on fire (the police didn't say what the three books were) -- then realized he was locked in. As the smoke filled the room and he couldn't get out, he called 911. The fire department came to rescue him and put out the fire before any major damage was done. As the police were arresting him for arson, he asked them if he could call... George W. Bush. He said he wanted Bush to know he was in trouble. (Source)
All sales final.
There are some things you just can't return once they're used... and this might be the biggest one. In Jacksonville, Florida, this summer, 34-year-old Ronald Robinson was busted returning used *enemas* to a CVS. On five different occasions. And he might've gotten away with it too, if one employee hadn't become suspicious and examined one of the returned enema boxes. It took a while for a police probe... heh... to find him, but he was arrested and is facing federal product tampering charges. (Source)
I'm like, "Look ma, no hands."
There were at least three stories this year about people assaulting McDonald's employees for screwing up orders. But as far as fast food rage goes, this guy trumps them all. In June, 46-year-old Koffi Mbairamadji of Albuquerque got into a fight at a KFC and ended up throwing two boulders through the store's window. Twist: He doesn't have any hands. It's not clear how he threw the rocks, considering his significant lack of hands, but he managed to wrist them in. (Source)
Who else could you blame?
There wasn't any relevant photo with this story, so I tried to pick one that captured its spirit.
In July, 32-year-old Robert White of Bradford Township, Pennsylvania was arrested for beating up his own mother -- because of his small penis. There were actually two reasons he felt she was responsible. (1) Genetics and (2) he told the cops she "kicked me in the balls when I was a baby" which stunted his genital growth. His mother was hospitalized with injuries; he was hit with several assault charges. (Source)
The Case of the Mysterious Silver Fox.
In July, 38-year-old Crystal Gray of Clinton, Tennessee put a photo of Mitt Romney on her Facebook page to show her support. Unfortunately, her 40-year-old boyfriend Lowell Turpin had no idea who it was. All he knew was that his girlfriend had just posted some handsome guy's photo on Facebook.
So, naturally, he demanded to know if she was cheating on him with this guy. Crystal explained it was a photo of a presidential candidate. Lowell wasn't buying it -- and ended up pushed her and smashing her computer. Lowell -- who checks in at 5'8, 310 pounds -- was arrested for domestic assault. (Source)
Bring my Cheddar Bay Biscuits in a slower fashion.
This might be the first time ever that a waitress has been attacked for providing too *good* of service. In August, a woman beat up her waitress at a Red Lobster in Fairview Heights, Illinois -- because the waitress was being too attentive. The woman apparently got upset that the waitress kept refilling their waters and checking on them, so the woman threw a water glass at the waitress's head and smacked her in the face with the dessert menu.
The waitress ended up with a cut on her nose and had to miss a few days of work. The woman (and the two people with her) were charged with mob action and aggravated battery. (Source)
Last month, a guy pulled off a feat that's only possible for one hour a year. He got separate two DUIs at the exact same time.
At 1:08 A.M. on November 4th, 22-year-old Niles Gammons got a DUI in Urbana, Ohio. He was taken to the station, processed, and released. At 2:00 A.M., we all set the clocks back. Niles got back in his car and was pulled over for drunk driving again -- also at 1:08 A.M. (Source)
I can't go for this.
In Norwalk, Ohio, a 40-year-old named Scott Hall lives next door to a 48-year-old named Roger Oates. That alone is spectacular. But earlier this month, Hall and Oates exploded.
Hall was watching football when Oates came over, drunk and angry. He was mad at Oates for refusing to testify on his behalf in court... and they started brawling. And during the fight, Oates went maneater on Hall, and bit a chunk of skin over his left eye. Oates was arrested for felony assault. (Source)
This list was originally published on Monday, December 24, 2012 at 11:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics.