11 Points

11 Ridiculous Pieces Of Advice Published In Newspapers
written by Sam Greenspan

I've done several lists on funny newspaper clippings (everything from police blotters to painfully obvious articles to great corrections). So I'll throw up two necessary disclaimers: 1. You're gonna miss newspapers when they're gone, so let's enjoy these while we can. And 2. Deep down, we all have a little Jay Leno in us.

Here are 11 pieces of advice printed in newspapers that made me laugh for one reason or another. Sometimes it's a dumb question, sometimes it's a dumb answer, sometimes it's both, sometimes it's neither. Enjoy.
  1. How do you stop an angry dog?



    It's also effective to give him the Taco Bell he quiero.

  2. "Outdoorsy" has a different meaning to different people.



    I suppose you can pack your tent and gear in the trailer... start your fire with the hairdryer... use the televisions to sit on... distract the bears with your KFC... and then order pizza once they swipe your pic-a-nic basket. That's probably what she meant.

  3. I didn't use that much poi, son -- at the royal luau.



    But if no one takes poison, won't these people all lose their jobs?

  4. Why are they only calling out large alligators?



    I like advice like this. Punching someone in the face with insultingly-obvious advice is really quite helpful. "How do I avoid getting robbed on my vacation?" "Don't go on vacation." "How do I get my toddler to stop peeing on the rug and only using the toilet?" "Chain him in the bathroom."

  5. Something here doesn't add up.



    So you're saying it's safe to put in my body but not safe to put on my clothes? I say: If it's not worthy of cleaning my Big Dogs shirt, then it's not worthy of my throat.

  6. Pictures are hung, people are hanged.



    And if you can't find a pro, at least make sure to keep a lemon wedge in your mouth. (I learned that from crime procedurals.)

  7. Well, it *is* known for its cleaning powers.



    As a native Ohioan, I'm glad this was specifically targeted at us. Let those idiots in the other 49 Lysol off their hair. We need our mullets in tact to keep our heads (and necks) warm during the winter.

  8. Care to rephrase, counselor?



    Now even the newspapers are echoing something every boy hears from age nine until the time some girl finally settles for him. This would be like a newspaper headline saying "Think Newspapers Are Dumb? I Know You Are But What Am I?"

  9. For some reason they leave this one off the driver's license exam.



    The advice is terribly condescending, but at least it's not passive aggressive like that line about not bothering to shovel. Whomever wrote this is the kind of person who leaves anonymous notes on their neighbors' doors whenever the grass goes a week without being cut.

  10. Warm his icy heart with a cool island song? Or cool his hot heart with a cool icy song?



    For some reason, this can only make me think of a co-worker I had about eight years ago who absolutely adored coming up to my desk and saying "Working hard or hardly working?" Ahh. Just typing it sends chills down my spine.

  11. An absolutely brilliant example of selective hearing.



    I really don't know what to say. I laughed the first time I read this, I laughed the second time I read this, and I didn't read it a third time because I was sleepy but I'm assuming that would've made me laugh again too. This is a hall-of-famer.


This post was originally published on Monday, January 17, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics.

Facebookery?
Get the new game created by Sam of 11 Points!
11 Great Moments in Police Blotter History - Animal Edition

11 Unfortunate (and Possibly Fake) Names On TV News Graphics

11 Very Unfortunate Mistakes On TV News Graphics

11 US Presidents Who Might've Been Gay

11 Most Painfully Obvious Newspaper Articles Ever

Archive of all News & Politics posts
11 Obscure Video Games Based on Movies (That Really Didn't Need Video Game Adaptations)
11 Obscure Video Games Based on Movies (That Really Didn't Need Video Game Adaptations)
Published Wednesday, April 27, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games
Man Visits From Future, Demands Arby's
Man Visits From Future, Demands Arby's
Published Wednesday, April 20, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
11 Great Moments When Faces Appeared in Food
11 Great Moments When Faces Appeared in Food
Published Thursday, April 7, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
A Guy Just Took a Selfie With the Bomb-Strapped Man Hijacking His Flight
A Guy Just Took a Selfie With the Bomb-Strapped Man Hijacking His Flight
Published Wednesday, March 30, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Web & Tech
11 Signs Bursting With Accidental Sexual Innuendo
11 Signs Bursting With Accidental Sexual Innuendo
Published Friday, March 25, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Dating & Sex
The 11 Most Annoying Sounds (According to Science, and According to Me)
The 11 Most Annoying Sounds (According to Science, and According to Me)
Published Monday, March 21, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Personal
Full Archive
Follow
11 Points

Mailing list


Twitter


Facebook


YouTube


Pinterest


RSS