Email list
11 Points
11 Points Guide To Hooking Up
11 Ridiculous Pieces Of Advice Published In Newspapers
written by Sam Greenspan

I've done several lists on funny newspaper clippings (everything from police blotters to painfully obvious articles to great corrections). So I'll throw up two necessary disclaimers: 1. You're gonna miss newspapers when they're gone, so let's enjoy these while we can. And 2. Deep down, we all have a little Jay Leno in us.

Here are 11 pieces of advice printed in newspapers that made me laugh for one reason or another. Sometimes it's a dumb question, sometimes it's a dumb answer, sometimes it's both, sometimes it's neither. Enjoy.
  1. How do you stop an angry dog?



    It's also effective to give him the Taco Bell he quiero.

  2. "Outdoorsy" has a different meaning to different people.



    I suppose you can pack your tent and gear in the trailer... start your fire with the hairdryer... use the televisions to sit on... distract the bears with your KFC... and then order pizza once they swipe your pic-a-nic basket. That's probably what she meant.

  3. I didn't use that much poi, son -- at the royal luau.



    But if no one takes poison, won't these people all lose their jobs?

  4. Why are they only calling out large alligators?



    I like advice like this. Punching someone in the face with insultingly-obvious advice is really quite helpful. "How do I avoid getting robbed on my vacation?" "Don't go on vacation." "How do I get my toddler to stop peeing on the rug and only using the toilet?" "Chain him in the bathroom."

  5. Something here doesn't add up.



    So you're saying it's safe to put in my body but not safe to put on my clothes? I say: If it's not worthy of cleaning my Big Dogs shirt, then it's not worthy of my throat.

  6. Pictures are hung, people are hanged.



    And if you can't find a pro, at least make sure to keep a lemon wedge in your mouth. (I learned that from crime procedurals.)

  7. Well, it *is* known for its cleaning powers.



    As a native Ohioan, I'm glad this was specifically targeted at us. Let those idiots in the other 49 Lysol off their hair. We need our mullets in tact to keep our heads (and necks) warm during the winter.

  8. Care to rephrase, counselor?



    Now even the newspapers are echoing something every boy hears from age nine until the time some girl finally settles for him. This would be like a newspaper headline saying "Think Newspapers Are Dumb? I Know You Are But What Am I?"

  9. For some reason they leave this one off the driver's license exam.



    The advice is terribly condescending, but at least it's not passive aggressive like that line about not bothering to shovel. Whomever wrote this is the kind of person who leaves anonymous notes on their neighbors' doors whenever the grass goes a week without being cut.

  10. Warm his icy heart with a cool island song? Or cool his hot heart with a cool icy song?



    For some reason, this can only make me think of a co-worker I had about eight years ago who absolutely adored coming up to my desk and saying "Working hard or hardly working?" Ahh. Just typing it sends chills down my spine.

  11. An absolutely brilliant example of selective hearing.



    I really don't know what to say. I laughed the first time I read this, I laughed the second time I read this, and I didn't read it a third time because I was sleepy but I'm assuming that would've made me laugh again too. This is a hall-of-famer.

This list was originally published on Monday, January 17, 2011 at 11:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics.
It currently has View Comments.

Facebookery?
11 Great Moments in Police Blotter History - Animal Edition

11 Unfortunate (and Possibly Fake) Names On TV News Graphics

11 Very Unfortunate Mistakes On TV News Graphics

11 Hilarious (and Very Necessary) Newspaper Corrections

11 Observations on America's Most Popular Baby Names

Archive of all News & Politics lists

Real People Who Look Just Like Cartoon Characters
11 Real People Who Look Just Like Cartoon Characters
Published Wednesday, April 16, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category TV
Most Painful Places to Be Stung By a Bee
11 Most Painful Places to Be Stung By a Bee
Published Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc
Movies That Accidentally Turned Out Good
11 Movies That Accidentally Turned Out Good
Published Friday, April 4, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
Random Observations on the First Wrestlemania
11 Random Observations on the First Wrestlemania
Published Wednesday, April 2, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Sports
Strange Proposed Constitutional Amendments That Obviously Failed
11 Strange Proposed Constitutional Amendments That Obviously Failed
Published Wednesday, March 26, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category News & Politics
Real Life Places With the Same Name as Simpsons Places
11 Real Life Places With the Same Name as Simpsons Places
Published Friday, March 21, 2014 at 06:00:00 AM under the category TV
Full Archive



Follow
Mailing list
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube
Pinterest
Instagram
RSS

Categories
TV lists
Misc lists
Movies lists
Sports lists
News & Politics lists
Travel lists
Books lists
Personal lists
Games lists
Music lists
Dating & Sex lists
Web & Tech lists
Food & Drink lists
Countdown lists
Interviews lists
Full archive

Follow
11 Points

Mailing list


Twitter


Facebook


YouTube


Pinterest


RSS