11 Points

11 Characteristics of a Modern Gentleman
written by Sam Greenspan

I was reading my most recent issue of the British magazine Country Life -- what, you DON'T subscribe? -- and found a list of the characteristics and traits of the modern 21st century gentleman. And you know you can trust the British with stuff like this. Colonization, proper use of tweed, Got Talent surprises and lists about being a gentleman. All in their wheelhouse. Plus the authors' names are Rupert and Emma. SO much credibility.

I picked out 11 of the most crucial elements of being a gentleman and compiled them into this list. Are you a gentleman? Keep your score...

  1. Dwyane Wade: Not a gentleman.
    The modern gentleman never owns a cat, speedboat or fuchsia pants. I'm thinking a gentleman swaps out the cat for a good hunting dog... swaps out the speedboat for a sailboat... and swaps out the fuchsia pants for anything in the world BUT fuchsia pants.

  2. The modern gentleman will occasionally be drunk, but never disorderly. Ahh, the fine line between "fun drunk" and "smashing glasses on the ground." I would assume it goes without saying that the modern gentleman gets drunk on scotch or sophisticated wines; it doesn't matter how orderly you remain if you just got drunk on a box of wine or a game of Edward Fortyhands.

  3. The modern gentleman never wears a pre-tied bowtie. I learned how to tie a bowtie a few years ago (although I still haven't perfectly mastered it, I can mostly do it). The key is to treat it just like tying a shoelace. A shoelace around your neck. (Which is a scenario that only comes up if you were trying to hang yourself in prison. A gentleman does not hang himself by his shoelaces in prison.)

  4. The modern gentleman will eat anything placed in front of him, but never finishes his food before everyone else. I fail wildly on this one. Unless I've ordered so much more food than everyone else that they can't help but finish before me. In that way... is unbridled gluttony a sign of chivalry? It's a stretch, but I'll take that stretch in exchange for delicious side dishes.


  5. Everything here looks delicious but none of it is gentlemanly.
    The modern gentleman never drinks Malibu. I love that of all the alcohol in the world, they lasered in on Malibu. A modern gentleman never drinks cheap rum that smells like suntan lotion. It's so harsh and unambiguous, it's perfect. Well done, judgmental Brits. And way to dodge the bullet, Boone's Farm.

  6. The modern gentleman is always on time. See that, Ja Rule! Even though you're not always there when I call, you're always a gentleman.

  7. The modern gentleman never tweets. They note that a modern gentleman IS allowed to go on Facebook, but only "to keep in touch with his godchildren (of which he has many)." So no Candy Crush invites or "I got the thorax! Which body part are you?" quiz results from the gentleman.

  8. The modern gentleman never walks out on a play. Do friends' improv shows count? Can we give them an exemption? How about your friends' kids' kindergarten plays? Trees don't wave. TREES DON'T WAVE.


  9. This hairstyle is not gentlemanly, but should be.
    The modern gentleman never puts products in his hair. This seems like a lot to ask of the modern gentleman. I guess it's kind of a check-and-balance to make sure the modern gentleman gets a tight haircut that doesn't require product -- no room for the faux-hawk, the spiked bed of nails or the '80s pro wrestler here.

  10. The modern gentleman never forgets his wristwatch. They really take the whole "having a watch" thing for granted. Can the modern gentleman just check the time upon ye olde cell phone?

  11. The modern gentleman makes love on his elbows. I'm not 100 percent sure what this means, but it sounds both cumbersome AND filthy. Also, if you're on your elbows, how do you give the, "Hey, good job!" high-five at the end?


This post was originally published on Friday, April 25, 2014 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Personal.

Facebookery?
11 Qualities That Make You Cool (According to Science)

11 Most Common Lies People Tell to Look Intelligent

11 Books People Claim They've Read, But Haven't

11 Most Profound Deep Thoughts I've Found on the Internet

11 Points Gets a Book Deal!

Archive of all Personal posts
The 11 Funniest Words in the World, According to Science
The 11 Funniest Words in the World, According to Science
Published Thursday, August 10, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Misc
11 Textbook Writers Who Temporarily Lost Their Minds
11 Textbook Writers Who Temporarily Lost Their Minds
Published Wednesday, July 26, 2017 at 10:00:00 AM under the category Books
A Ban on Everclear Grain Alcohol Is Bad News... For the Violin Industry?
A Ban on Everclear Grain Alcohol Is Bad News... For the Violin Industry?
Published Thursday, July 6, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Food & Drink
11 Pairs of Classic Movies That Were Surprisingly Released on the Same Day ('90-'94)
11 Pairs of Classic Movies That Were Surprisingly Released on the Same Day ('90-'94)
Published Thursday, June 22, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Movies
11 One-Hit Wonders Whose One Hit Was a Cover
11 One-Hit Wonders Whose One Hit Was a Cover
Published Friday, June 9, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Music
11 Nintendo Video Game Systems, Ranked By How Many Games They Got
11 Nintendo Video Game Systems, Ranked By How Many Games They Got
Published Friday, June 2, 2017 at 11:00:00 AM under the category Games
Full Archive
Follow
11 Points

Mailing list


Twitter


Facebook


YouTube


Pinterest


RSS