Adil the exchange student: How can you defend a country where 5 percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?Of course, this quote wouldn't be relevant today, since I don't know if you've heard but America's now a communist/socialist dictatorship where the President is achieving his dream of sitting back, running all the businesses, and deciding whether or not you're going to get that ankle surgery you're hankerin' for. But like 20 years ago when "The Simpsons" busted out this quote it was incredibly ahead of its time.
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
Lisa: Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35 [to be President]!Oh my God! Someone on the Internet just quoted a "Simpsons" episode made in the last eight years! Quick, hit the Independent Thought Alert button. (And by the way, even if "The Simpsons" is more past its prime than Jamie Moyer, that quote is amazing.)
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Homer: [mockingly] Ooh, the Patriot Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to?
[Homer and Bart high-five]
Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.I don't know. I kinda wish some of my tax dollars were going to support the perverted arts. Might as well teach the kids something that can help them compete with the Japanese.
Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of --
Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
Speaker: Bill defeated.
Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work.
Homer: Do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast?It's the exact reason the public appreciates -- nay, demands -- that Kevin Costner step in with his quick solution to this oil spill.
Marge: Well, like all Americans... fast!
Kang (having taken over Bob Dole's body): Abortions for all.Quite possibly the most succinct summary of America's two political parties ever.
Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone.
Kang: Hmm... abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
Crowd: [cheers and waves miniature flags]
Colby: Okay Homer, I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.You've probably never seen the episode containing this quote (it's another one from the past few years) -- but it's a quality quote. (Much like Mayor Quimby believes that "au gratin potatoes" are a quality side.)
Homer: What! I'll show him. I'll show that guy!
Sideshow Bob: Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves.With the way the parties keep trading off presidents, this means we should be in line for a king in two or six years. Rather than fight it, just spend the next few years trying to make sure you're not so poor by the time he takes the throne. (That's my plan. So far it's... not going so well.)
Brazilian lifeguard: Excuse me, Americans!Grammatical issue aside, I'm pretty sure that's the best t-shirt anyone's ever worn on "The Simpsons". The episode where Bart produced t-shirts wasn't that great. I liked the Pin Pals shirts and I'd wear one, but they're not this good. Rod or Todd Flanders misinterpreting a Butthole Surfers band shirt isn't bad. I have to be missing some amazing ones, right?
Homer: Ah! How did you know? [he turns to reveal a t-shirt that shows Uncle Sam biting the globe with the phrase "TRY AND STOP US"]
Homer (before his triple bypass): America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!This is going to sound boorishly American -- but other than this quote and the World Cup game I watched this morning, I'm pretty sure I don't know anything else about Paraguay. Is it like Uruguay with no arms or legs?
Homer: If you don't like your job, you don't go on strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.Now, yes, I used this quote on a previous list. But it's so perfect I couldn't exclude it. Plus I didn't include the "that's the American way" part last time I used it. So I'm just re-appropriating it here. Is that half-assed of me? Sure. Irony rules!
Convenience store clerk: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.
11 Most Profound Quotes in Simpsons History
11 Most Profound Quotes by GOB on Arrested Development
11 Best One-Off Simpsons Characters
11 Awful Shows FOX Has Aired Right After The Simpsons
11 Predictions About 2010 That the Simpsons Got Wrong
Archive of all TV lists