GOB, Steve Holt and the statue with the disembodied hand..

GOB: "Well, I will tell you this, Michael. I don't have a son--"
Narrator: He does.
GOB: "But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!"
Narrator: "GOB was growing up."

Narrator: "GOB had been a pageant judge for years."
GOB: "You can't believe what it does for your sex life."
Michael: "I don't want to hear it."
GOB: "I don't want to say it. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn't date magicians. Second place is someone weird usually, like a Chinese girl or a geologist. But third place, although a little bit plain, has super low self-esteem. So I step in and, uh, lay her crown upon my sweet head."

Michael: "Well, I'm just different than you, GOB. You know, I'm not going to, you know, siphon gas out of some girl's car like you used to in high school just so you can show up and say, 'Car troubles?'
GOB: "It's called 'taking advantage.' It's what gets you ahead in life."

Making that fish-free yacht disappear.

Michael: "GOB, you’re going to burn through this money and have nothing, all right? 'You give a man a fish, he'll eat for a night. If you teach a man to fish...'"
GOB: "He'll want to use your yacht, and I don't want this thing smelling like fish."

GOB: "I've got this Christian girlfriend now, and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me. And I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it."

GOB: "I should be in charge. I'm the older brother."
Michael: "Do you even want to be in charge?"
GOB: "No... but I'd like to be asked!"

GOB and Liza.

Lucille Austero: "What you did to me at lunch today -- you were ashamed to be with me."
GOB: "No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you."

GOB: "Excuse me. Look. I blew it, okay? But I bought a yearbook ad from you, doesn't that mean anything anymore?"

GOB (after punching Buster in the stomach as he goes down a slide): "Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you'll have more fun."
Buster: "Thanks, brother."

GOB: "A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt’s gonna be here any minute."
Michael: "Your son."
GOB: "According to him."
Michael: "And a DNA test."
GOB: "I hear the jury's still out on science."

GOB: "My God, what is this feeling?"
Michael: "Well, you know the-the feeling that you're... that you're feeling is-is what many of us call 'a feeling.'"
GOB: "But it's not like envy, or even hungry."
Michael: "Could it be love?"
GOB: "I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite. It's... it's like my heart is getting hard."