11 Points

11 Perfect On-Screen Captions From Maury
written by Sam Greenspan

When I was in college, I briefly interned in downtown Chicago at the Jerry Springer Show. I was there during the show's peak -- when it was beating Oprah in the ratings and simultaneously inspiring daily thinkpieces about how it was ruining everything from television to culture to society as a whole. Things got bad enough that, toward the end of my internship, the city of Chicago intervened and Springer began toning down the violence and raunch.

And very gradually but very successfully, Maury Povich picked up the trash talk show baton and ran with it.

On the strength of its paternity test episodes -- and guests' increasingly comedic reactions to hearing "You are NOT the father!" -- Maury cemented its spot in the pantheon of "society crumblers."

The Internet does a great job at finding the best moments of Maury and making sure they're preserved forever. I went through a ton of screenshots of Maury captions to find these 11 winners...
  1. The dog ate my neck.



    In Gary's defense, sometimes one of my dogs crawls on top of me and licks my neck with vigor. He's never left a mark though, what with the fact that he's incapable of sucking. I MEAN, what with the fact that I would obviously stop him.

  2. The mystery of the extra big toe.



    So I'm a little confused. Does "extra big toe" mean the men in Cathy's family have two big toes? Or a standard toe that's extra big?Because the big toe on the monitor looks, fittingly, double wide.

  3. Dammit, Ipod.



    How can someone this gentleman's age be named Ipod? The only options are (1) his mother was prescient and chose to name him "Ipod" at least a decade before Apple's music player came our or (2) he legally changed his name to Ipod, which feels awfully dated now. Assuming he still has money for court fees left over after child support, he should probably change it to something with a little more permanence. Like "iMessage Stickers" or "Facebook Poke."

  4. James has a feeling.



    I'm pretty sure everyone else also had that same feeling.

  5. He can't make boys.



    Demetrius seems to lack an understanding of how reproduction and chromosomes work, but at least he has multiple daughters who can explain those concepts to him once they're in fourth grade sex ed.

  6. The missing tooth.



    Maury has a remarkable ability to link anything back to cheating, huh? A missing tooth is never just a missing tooth.

  7. Let me see you 1,2 step.



    Man, how great would it have been if the other Ciara and other Sammy Davis Jr. had a paternity scandal. (I mean, it's not possible since he died five years after she was born, but still.)

  8. Why Bob watches Regina shower.



    Well, that's a perfectly logical and fair explanation. I say we take Bob's side on this one.

  9. The Cotton Ball Man.



    Hey, it's not a paternity one! Someone catch it and make a wish. So Maury Povich brought on a woman who had a paralyzing fear of cotton balls, and his plan to help her get over it -- or exacerbate it to the point of no return? -- was to have someone dress from head-to-toe as a Stay-Puft cotton ball man. This screenshot captures the cotton ball man chasing Carolyn off the stage. If only they could've come back 10 months later after Carolyn had a baby to see if the cotton ball man was the father.

  10. Corey is confident.



    I love the caption person clearly taking Corey's shouts of being "two billion percent sure" and translating them to text. It really accentuates and showcases the absurdity in a brilliantly subtle way.

  11. Oops.



    We've all been there, Charles.


This post was originally published on Friday, September 23, 2016 at 11:00:00 AM under the category TV.

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