11 Points

11 Deep Questions About Judaism From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers
written by Sam Greenspan

Every time I'm feeling good about the world we live in, I always ruin it by eventually serving up a reality check. And my reality check goes by the name "Yahoo Answers."

For those unfamiliar, Yahoo Answers is, quite simply, the largest collective of ignorance ever assembled in the history of mankind. People post stupid questions and get stupid answers. It's hugely comical and deeply sad at the same time -- kind of like a clown's funeral.

Anyway, I've gone after Yahoo Answers three times before (you can see the links at the bottom of this list)... for my fourth time, I decided to see what the Yahoo Answers braintrust is wondering about the Jewish religion. Because, apparently, I was in a mood to be super, super depressed.

As always when dealing with Yahoo Answers, I'm going to throw in a big, preemptive [SIC] -- all spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes remain intact.

  1. How is Cliff Hangers from "The Price is Right" connected to this list? You'll actually have to read it to find out.
    Are the Jews to blame for the global financial crisis?

    This should get us off to a fine start. Jews + conspiracy + money = win.
    Without wishing to be controversial or offensive, if we look at what has been happening over the past few years, is there more to it than meets the eye?

    These institutions created this subprime bad debt to inflate their balance sheets so their Jewish owners could boast higher profit figures. The Jewish financiers at Lehman Brothers, Goldman Sachs, Bear Sterns et al then walked away with huge bonuses the past few years on the back of profits generated through these worthless assets (which had been given falsely high credit ratings by Jew-owned credit agencies).
    Ah. Damn. We were going strong until the phrase "Jew-owned." This whole paragraph reminds me of the mountain climber game on "Price is Right"... this guy was just slowly and precariously climbing up the rhetoric cliff, until he finally fell off by using "Jew-owned" as venomously as possible.
    Then, when the going is about to get tough, the jewish insiders at these investment banks get rid of their stock (which they did towards the back end of 2006), then speculate against their own banks to profiteer further, while their financier and executive friends continue to walk away with appalling bonuses. Finally when the penny drops and these securities are shown to be worthless (which the Jews knew all along), the taxpayer is left to pick up the bill, and the Jew profits at the expense of the general public.

    The timing of this is also interesting. How convenient that they have a two-day break for the Jewish new year now, before the vote goes to congress on thursday. Or am I just being paranoid?
    Apparently he's unaware that Jewish holidays aren't scheduled like college football games -- we can't just throw up a Tu B'Shvat whenever we need, like a school last minute scheduling a I-AA team for a quick victory.

    Anyway, the people who answered didn't exactly set this guy straight, but they did reach the conclusion that he's paranoid. Which is more than I can say for many of the rest...

  2. Is it true that jew's are all tight with money?

    Ye's. Ye's we are.

  3. No one's safe from swine flu.
    Can Orthodox Jews catch swine flu?

    Is it sad that this is, quite possibly, the most reasonable question on this entire list? (The answer is yes, by the way -- even if you refuse to eat pork it doesn't mean you weren't sitting on a plane next to Ron from the "Harry Potter" movies.)

  4. Why is it generally considered derogatory to call someone a "Jew" that is not Jewish?

    He elaborates...
    When trying to get a rise out of people online, for no particular reason, I call someone a "Jew" and they get all offended.

    I have found that people don't get offended if you call them an "Arab" or a "Swede". Anyone have any thoughts?
    The responses ALL follow this general line of thinking:
    Because it's used as a derogatory when someone skimps on money or other stereotypical things Jewish people do (from an antisemitic point of view).
    Well, yes and no. Yes, you're correct. But I really don't feel that gets to the heart of the issue why it's offensive. I'd like to think that people don't get upset when someone "trying to get a rise out of [them] online" calls them "Jew" ONLY because that's suggesting the person is cheap -- that alone makes the word "Jew" synonymous with "cheap," which remains wholly problematic.

    Because of ancient and modern historical connotations, "Jew" used as a pejorative isn't just the shortening of the name of the religion... it's not like calling someone an "Arab," it's akin to calling someone a "towelhead" or "Arab terrorist."

    Which would also be a totally dope way of getting a rise out of people online. Nothing makes the "Call of Duty" experience complete like having a jackass 14-year-old shouting "Jew fag towelhead darkie tits" into his XBox Live microphone for an hour straight while you're trying to make a legitimate battle strategy.

  5. Where can I learn Jew Jitsu?

    At your neighborhood dojew. I recommend training with Cobra L'Kaiim.

  6. As Israel was created because Jews were prosecuted, shouldn't we create a homosexual country for gays?

    I'm caught up in the spirit of this stereotypin'. So I'll join in with an answer! "Whoa, aren't Jews usually the ones DOING the prosecuting?!"

  7. Cartman's theory on the World Trade Center.
    Is it true that no jewish went to work on 911.?

    We're off to a roaring start. When "Jews" or "Jewish people" becomes just "jewish," you just get that feeling something's up. And we know it wasn't just an accidental omission, because it's repeated...
    I heard that no jewish went to work on 911, it this true. So did they knew something we didn't.
    I'm not sure where this rumor came from, but there are at least 50 questions on Yahoo Answers about it.

    It reminds me of the "South Park" where Cartman proposes a theory of who caused 9/11:
    So now, the inevitable question: If terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. Kyle!

    Twelve contains the numbers one and two ... and one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle!
    There's an alarmingly distinct parallel between the people of Yahoo Answers and Cartman.

  8. Is it true that the Jewish people read backwards ??? ...?

    She wonders...
    if u are jewish do u even understand what you are reading ??
    .taht ekil trams tsuj er'ew, yas I nac tahW

  9. Do Eastern European Jews really have tails?

    OK, you've got my attention.
    Is this really just a myth (e.g. just like myth about Ukrainian Jews having horns) or is there an actual medical reason for it?
    Let's see what was voted the best answer...
    Your question is a bit too open ended. I am assuming you are not referring to the coccyx but Jews with birth abnormalities that resemble a tail. Statistically speaking more Jews have been born with this defect recently but this is most likely due to the increased birth defects caused by the Chernobyl disaster. Interestingly exactly the same thing applies to Ukrainian Jews with abnormal calcium build-up on their heads, although these in no way resemble "satanic horns".
    I think I'd be a lot more apt to pick apart that answer (which, by the way, is inaccurate in about 15 different ways) if both my mom and I didn't each have a small calcium build-up on our scalps.

  10. Is it true what i heard about young Jewish boys? That they get their fore-arms cut off when they are babies?

    And the secret of why us Jews are so bad at sports has just been revealed.

  11. What does it mean to be acidic jew?

    A Jew with a pH less than seven. Duh.

This post was originally published on Tuesday, July 7, 2009 at 12:01:00 AM under the category Web & Tech.

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