11 Strangest Things For Sale On Amazon
written by Sam Greenspan

I'm not sure how it happened but, early this morning, I found myself on Amazon.com, looking at the product listing for a quart of wolf urine.

And naturally, when one finds himself confronted with wolf urine at the world's largest Internet retailer, one gets curious as to what other oddities might be available therein.

And thus, today's list, of the 11 strangest, weirdest and most obscure items that are being sold on Amazon.com.

1. I'll give you $20 to drink this.

   Quart of wolf urine. I was speaking with my parents this weekend, and, for some reason, we got on the topic of discussing some missing tomatoes in their backyard. My mom's theory: The landscapers had plucked and pocketed the tomatoes. My dad's theory: A deer had eaten the tomatoes (and, for further proof, he noticed some leaves chewed off a rose bush).
   
   If my dad's theory is true, then he desperately needs to go on Amazon and buy his own wolf urine, at the reasonable price of $31.95 for a quart. Because, according to the description, wolf urine is great for keeping deer away... since it creates the illusion of wolves in the area, which prey on deer.
   
   If my mom's theory is right, then perhaps the wolf urine will also keep the landscapers from stealing the tomatoes, because they'll think wolves are in the area and want to do their grass cutting and hedge trimming as quickly as possible.
   
   Or maybe it'll just come off like my parents are crying wolf. HI-YO!
   
   Anyway, for some reason, wolf urine can't be shipped to California. Which ruins ALL my dreams. I don't know why I continue to live out here. Tons of hippies and no wolf urine.
   
   

2. I'll give you $200 to eat this.

   Uranium ore. Let's hope that no Libyans know about this... but you can actually purchase a tin of radioactive uranium on Amazon.
   
   The stated purpose? "Useful for testing Geiger Counters." And I'm going to be able to sleep at night by naively believing that no one's buying it for any other reason.
   
   
3. Inflatable party sheep. Nothing makes a party like someone getting all liquored up and sodomizing a sheep, right?
   
   Now, you and your friends can enjoy that hilarity WITHOUT potential bestiality charges being leveled, thanks to this inflatable party sheep.
   
   And lest you think the inflatable party sheep isn't specifically designed to be rammed (another pun!) at your party, the description reads, "The perfect gift for the guy who is still looking for love in all the wrong places! Great risque party fun..."
   
   
4. UFO detector. For a completely exorbitant $94.95, you can have this UFO Detector on your desk.
   
   It monitors the area for any "magnetic and electromagnetic anomalies" (although I'm not 100 percent sure what the difference between those two things are) and, if it does detect said anomalies, it goes off like crazy. Because that means aliens are approaching.
   
   Quick hint before you buy: It's not gonna go off.
   
   

5. So cool.

   Ninja grappling hook. Now THIS is something I could use. If you've ever wanted to do a sweet-ass ninja move where you throw a hook onto the roof of a building and then scale the side... Amazon makes that possible. For only $21.89!
   
   This ninja folding grappling hook with a rope isn't just for show... the last word in its product name is "functional." The rope is 33 feet long, the talons lock into position and it can hold you if you're up to 800 pounds!
   
   But if you are 800 pounds, ninja may not be the smartest career choice... although black IS slimming.
   
   
6. Tattoos for babies. Attention, parents: Do you have dreams that your brand new baby daughter will become a stripper, but you aren't quite sure how to guarantee that? Amazon is here to help... with tattoos for babies!
   
   Fortunately, they're temporary tattoos. And even more fortunately, they're "non toxic." Unfortunately, this makes me believe that there are parents willing to spend money (even $4.95) so they can see their baby tatted up. And that makes me sad.
   
   
7. CD of Nirvana songs as lullabies. A company called Rockabye Baby takes rock songs and turns them into lullabies. Here, they took some of the biggest Nirvana songs and transformed them into sweet instrumentals that will put your baby right to bed.
   
   I checked and, fortunately, they had the good sense not to create a Brahms-inspired take of "Rape Me".
   
   
8. A personal tank. This seems practical. For $20,000, you can get your own personal tank. A tank. That can transport you and five of your friends at up to 40 miles per hour of bullet-resistant fun.
   
   It's "not licensed for public roads", custom-built when you order... and the $20,000 doesn't include shipping. Which has to be a lot, since it weighs more than half a ton.
   
   Also, it doesn't look like tanks in the traditional sense... to me, it kinda looks like a giant iron.
   
   
9. Solid Gold Stop Eating Poop. There comes a time in every dog owner's life when they realize their dog is copraphagic. (A word that probably hasn't showed up on your word-a-day calendar.) It means eating feces. And dogs do it. Because, no matter how much we love them and treat them like members of the family, they're still dogs.
   
   Enter Solid Gold Stop Eating Poop. It's a compound you mix into your dog's food, that contains glutamic acid. When mixed with food, the dog barely even notices it. But when it's part of his feces, it completely discourages him from sampling them.
   
   I have no idea what makes it solid gold.
   
   
10. 10 large, disposable vaginal speculums. No unlicensed home-based gynecological business would be complete without a wide variety of vaginal speculums.
    
    I am particularly partial to these, the large size ones... because if you're going to be cranking open women's nether regions, go big or go home.
    
    
11. 1,500 live ladybugs. For those rare occasions where 1,499 live ladybugs can't solve all your problems.
    
    

This list was originally published on Monday, September 8, 2008 at 03:00:00 PM under the category Web & Tech.
It currently has View Comments.

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